The Knowhere Guide

Best and Worst in Orpington, Greater London*

Orpington, Greater London Triumphs and Tragedies

Favourite Building

• None, they're all completely disgusting. Downe primary school in Downe village is pretty.
• All the offices by the market have an excellent roof section for those times that you feel like reinacting the Matrix.
• All saints church is nice and very old - also the Priory (which as never a priory but a stately home). Goddington House is very attractive although you can only peer through bushes at it cos its private. I used to love that beautiful old sweetshop which still had dark wood shelves and glass counters and sold sweets in quartres. I can't believe it wasn't protected.
• Probably The Harvest Moon. Very nice pub, and cheap, too! Just like being at a Students' Union bar...
• Charterhouse School. Now demolished but should have been preserved as a shrine to the indifference of the local education authority/teachers to give it's charges a decent education and send them into the world with a toolbag of skills to realise their potential and have rewarding and fulfilling careers and not to be seen as the next generation of postman/dustmen/milkmen. Rot in hell you bastards,
• My house. Okay... the Saphron then. Yum.
• The bakery on Sevenoaks Way- it's not much to look at, but the smell is great!

Demolish It Now Building

• The Walnuts. Who were they trying to kid with this mini-mall - the Kwik Save itself gives me the shivers...
• Most of it.
• DSS in the Walnuts.
• The two Grammer schools
• The police station would be a nice start as they don't do anything about evil harrassing gypsy-like folk but seem to love giving skaters and the like endless jip-cheers then.
• Most of the High Street, and the college.
• Tory HQ?
• The new Barratts housing estate - and it's not even finished yet!
• Any house in Petts Wood that homes an aerosol-brandishing kid.... wankers in other words... what is it with writing 'cunt' on the walls? What's the message? Are they just telling us their names? FUCK OFF AND DIE, leave our streets alone!
• St. Olave's...and I can say that as an ex-pupil. The snobbery and arrogance of the place is disgraceful and beware young pupils: if you demonstrate any sign of individual thought or you are not too academic, the School will at best ignore you and at worst actively try to expel you. It's been done before! And besides, at least half of the students are always wankers.
• That huge revolting blue thing stuck in The Walnuts where the market goes - that used to be a really nice place to just 'go'.
• MacDonalds - So all the kids would get a life at weekends. St Olaves school - Get rid of all the stuck up snobs who get mummy and daddy to dress them smartly in the morning and give them a sweety and a kiss before they go to school in there special lunch boxes.
• Hearns Rise/Ramsden/most of Petts Wood.
• All of them cos Orpington is the crappest place on Earth
• McDonalds. That and all the 50p shops. Oh and the estate agents, we have enough of them already.
• Orpington College is a monstrousity but I guess it has an educational purpose so demolition might be a little harsh
• That goddam car park by the memorial, you know, the one with all those shades of blue on it. Yes, that's very "with it", Bromley council. Or maybe that's because it reminds me of my Latin Lessons with RDL, gazing aimlessly as fifth declension nouns seeped through my brain. Well, it's still disgustingly tasteless.
• Orpington bowling alley - always full of pathetic individuals thinking they're so cool, to be hanging around a bowling alley from 7pm to 11pm doing absolutely nothing except look at rough boys!

The Best Things

• Orpington was once mostly fields and farms (honest) and one of the best things about it, despite the way London has moved out and swallowed Orpington up so that everywhere got concreted over or turned into housing estates, is that it doesn't take too long to be out of Orpington and in what passes for the coutryside.
• Clean streets, friendly old people (bless 'em), The Priory School, great transport into London and Bromley.
• The best things about Orpington - to an extent - are the lovely indian people that own the newsagents next door to McDonalds - they are so sweet and kind - the only type in Orpington!!!!! Be sure to put a smile on your face whether youre buying penny sweets or alcoholic drinks.
• u can get the bus and train to go away,
• orpigton is great.its so much better that whats said above.how dare you give orpington such a bad name, u sad pathetic grunger
• yeah right thats a laugh!
• Priory Gardens. The proximity of the motorway for a quick escape.
• The growing variety of cultures, which threaten the Sun readers, can give you a sense of existence of a larger world beyond the main roads of Orpington. Although the ill-educated residences would be quick to despise such a town as this since it holds cheap housing on the estates, which brings an undesirable element to the area and into the overcrowded schools, but without these people we would not know how better people we really are.
• The "You have now left Orpington" signs!
• Everyone knows each other
• The streets are REALLY clean ... seriously! I used to live in Croydon and when I came here I was like WOW! plus... The Priory School Rocks (ex pupil) and if anyone says that whoever comes from there is a rough fag eating pikey then I'll go and sort'em out<--- ha just kidding I aint that ruff!
• Orpington is now getting some great shops in its highstreet... like that new FIRST SPORT shop and things like that. Also it's really close to other places like the swimming pool and bowling. You meet all your mates there even if you don't intend to.
• How easy it is to get into either the centre of London or the middle of nowhere (ie the depths of the countryside) within minutes. There can't be many places so conveniently situated for both.
• where?
• elpees record hop (now saly gone) the roads leading out keeps most of the oiks out of petts wood amusing to see oaps blowing thrir pnsions on mcmuffins in mcdonalds on a thursday morning
• The good choice of restaurants and cafes.
• the best thing about orpington is that the last train from charing cross goes there as does the n47 night bus every hour, thus making a night out up town very viable and not so expensive.
• The swimming pool, where I used to muck about with me mates. If you're really unlucky you might bump into my sister, she's the one ploughing through the water like an epileptic Labrador.
• Give me to the next millennium, and I might just...........
• The retro pictures on the walls in the silver lounge, the excitement that New Look created when it opened, "wow, a clothes shop", watching the cool old people try and cross the road to get to the war memorial on Nov 11th, generally quite a safe place to live, having that argument with people who don't live there about whether it is in London or god forbid, Kent.
• The Ravens Wood boys they are so much better looking than the olaves
• There are a lot of cool people I have met living in Orpington, pity about the rest
• Near enough to London to get there easily and relatively cheaply, but not so near tht it's polluted and traffic-riden and crime-riden. It's also close to the M25, so it's easy to get out.
• Its not quite London - you can walk up the road into farm fields, but you can get the train and have all the facilities london provides. Totally agree its got some real treasures, but hey, its not even comparable to Oxford! (but it does beat Headington) :)
• It looks really nice - got a pretty villiagey feel to it. Light traffic. Nice big open spaces. We've also got the best bits of town & country - I live about 15 mins walk from the high street, but I've got a big recreation field 5 mins one way, and wide open fields 5 mins the other way! We've also got a mainline railway station, which means it's real easy to get to Victoria. We also get mentioned all the time at Victoria - "The Connex South Eastern service to Orpington".. Cool. I only really noticed all the good bits about the place since I went to university. I go to Oxford Brookes - and Orpington's way nicer to live in than central Oxford, or even Headington! Oh, and we've got a breed of chicken - the Orpington Buff, which is really popular in the USA. We're also named in the Domesday Book - Orpington is an ancient Saxon town. We also hosted the Romans, too: Tintagel Road is laid on the path of an ancient Roman road - and the Crofton Roman Villas. Aso, Orpington Hospital was founded as a WW1 Canadian millitary hospital. The government took injured soldiers to Orpington, so the sight of so many wounded was kept away from London to keep morale up.
• The rose coloured memories of growing up in St Mary Crays new housing estate around Tillingbourne green in the 50s early 60s, all my mates, all the good times worry free and even if it was not the most prestigious suburb, at that time it was the centre of our universe and we were proud to live there
• the best thing is that Bromley is not to far from this DUMP
• The train out
• Curry. St. Olave's (okay- I go there) The war memorial.
• Goddington Lane chippie Station was pretty good before they started axing services Priory gardens about 14 years ago when the ponds still had water in, the playground actually had an excellent helter-skelter, and there wern't quite so many drug-takers/yobs or at least they only came out at night.
• It has quite a good bus service to the surrounding areas, and even as far as Lewisham, Catford, and Croydon (although if you live in Orpington I don't see why you would want to go to any of these places). It has a great train service from Orpington station (which is far bigger than Bromley South station) and even has a half decent service from the near by St Mary Cray Station (which is on a different line).
• There are enough country lanes near Orpington to satisfy even the most sadistic of driving instructors.
• It's close to Sevenoaks and the country side there in.
• The fact that it's quite close to the M25 while still being far enough away to not feel like it's next to a big motorway.
• The pubs.
• The High Street which has a decent selection of shops even if it isn't as good as Bromley.
• The Walnuts sports centre which has adequate sports facilities.
• Nynex has finished digging up the roads at last ... Oh, and hardly anyone's got a satellite dish (I hate them).
• The market's a decent size now, too, but the stuff it sells isn't great. It's put all the 50p shops out of business though, and at least the market's only open three days a week.
• The Walnuts is actually a decent shopping centre now they've redone it all.
• The countryside's just down the road, and you can see the edge of London - go to Chelsfield Lane and one side of you is town, the other side is country.
• St Olave's, by far the best school in the area. The only people who don't sing its praises are the people who didn't get in there.
• The best thing that Orpington did was to demolish the school I went to. I wish they did it when I attended it, that was Charterhouse school back in 1982. I couldn't wait to leave it and the country for that matter.
• The home of the Buff Orpington, an old fashioned hen by today's standards, but still a good layer.

The Worst Things

• The agressive attitude of some people, although this is indicative of a South London Suburb. They should chill out a bit. Most people are beardy Petts-Wood types, so are too busy up their own backsides anyway. Orpington should be separated from Bromley Council as it seems to me that Bromley does not give a toss.
• Pikeys. They hang about everywhere and most of all by the station. They always get themselves drunk and are liable to attack anyone who dares to say anything against them ( I know this from experience). They do crazy stuff as well like walking across the railway lines ( which are electrified). Best to avoid the station after the rush hour when it gets dark.
• Too many pikeys and pikey wannabes. Graffiti. Kids whose parents don't know or care what they're doing. Loads of dumped cars. Litter everywhere. Stupidly large flower pots installed by the council on the High Street that take up most of the pavement. Haven't seen a police officer out of their car for years. Star Lane.
• Not being able to walk down the high street without being mugged or worse, this is a pretty crap thing and not really something you would expect from somewhere which is really quite affluent - to be quite honest I feel safer in Brixton than I do in Orpington.
• The fear of individuality. A common fear anywhere but despite brave attempts to be different, by some people, often leads to bullying by a certain gypsy-like element. The variety of characters throughout Orpington should be accepted for the way they have chosen to be, as long as it doesn't affect others. The lack of open minds: arrogance.
• Shell Suits and the awful accents that are associated with them! ... Normally viewed in full "darn the market on a satterdee" along with the other pikey joes.
• Pikeys!
• Pikey's up Star Lane. DIE!
• Vandalism, especially to cars, and this aint from the usual pikey rebel but pro-criminals are breaking in to cars a lot now adays.
• All the unimaginative, bored, stupid, witless youths that see vandalism as the only entertainment option. Where is the joy in smashing up a bus shelter time after time after time, a day or two after it has been repaired from the last time it was smashed up? What empty sort of lives do these cretins have that this is what passes for entertainment? Sorry - it really pisses me off! I just wish they would find something better to do - anything, as long as it doesn't fuck up my life and my surroundings! If they want to smash things, let them smash their own homes!!
• i agree Orpington is a bit of a rough place, but its not that bad. sure, you do get pikies hanging about outside macdonalds etc (i should know my sister is one)but they all have nothing else to do. But there are much worse places than orpington, where the crime rate is enormous. anyway thats all i wanted to say its not that bad!
• everywhere
• the scummy theiving gypsies bus routes and train services go through petts wood its a shit hole
• The people of this area breed a type of youngster who uses words like 'cool' and go to University beacuse anybody who can nearlly spell their name can now go to University. These types post articles slagging off the area because they were wimps at school at got beaten up on a regular basis.Ha Ha
• The people - the "Orpington mums" who walk around screaming at their little kids ( normally named after celebrities, ie. Britney and Courtney) calling them f*cking this and f*cking that, and then belting tehm in front of everyonshowing e no sign of remorse whatsoever.
• No Cinema.
• the worst thing is as the youths have nowhere to go they just mooch about getting bored, drunk etc. GIVE THEM SOMEWHERE TO GO AND THEY MIGHT NOT CAUSE SO MUCH TROUBLE, i know they get a bad deal so who can blame them when there bored and cause aggro.
• The people. Sorry, but you all need to grow a brain cell and for God's sake get some dress sense, we dont like to see obese housewives squeezed into revolting patterned lycra leggings and tacky kitten picture sweaters. Mind you, if there where some decent clothes shops here...
• Orpington has three different type of shop; the estate agents to get you to move, the travel agents so you can get away on holiday from Orpington, and the 65p shops so you can save your money to get away from the place. Also that mad pet food shop where they sell dried pigs' ears and noses in the market.
• Parking at the BR Station.
• Newstead I go there and it's a hell hole. It's so competative!
• Orpington suffers from having St. Mary Cray and St. Pauls cray attached to it like evil tumours of nastiness.
• Where do I begin, you could write a whole book about the sort of people who reside in Orpington. The whole high street and Walnuts is a shambles, it's just an excuse for a place to shop. Nobody has yet mentioned the leisure centre! The reason being it's as bad as the rest of the place.
• the prevailing attitude of population - symptomatic of all of South London I feel. But negetive towards everything in life - its good to be stupid and rude, apparently.
• The shopping centre is rubbish. Although a few people have said it is alright now, but I don't want to risk it. Public transport to Chelsfield after the pubs shut is non existant.
• The apathy is startling - the world is falling to shit, there are many complex and worrying global matters that we all need to address but most of Orpington's population equate environmentalists with Communists and talk about cars, hair, shoes and 'personal finance. The place was so full of tinpot Thatchers I couldn't wait to leave. Oh, and the fact that there are two super-selective grammar schools in existence here is disgusting in todays day and age. But I would have learnt more about life and gained confedence if I went to a comprehensive rather than to St Olaves, where I came out feeling I had no talent, experience and skills because everything was so competitive - it did not encourage the people who were bad at certain subjects or sports to get better, it only improved those who dominated them in the first place. By the way - have you been to Olave's lately? The place is not a School, but a cloning centre -- everybody looks the fucking same! So to sum up - kill the School, most of its pupils, all the social inadequates outside McDonalds and 3/4 of the population. Because they're worth it
• Being under the control of Bromley Council. Free Orpington NOW! The bad image people attach to it. People who think if you went to The Priory then you're illiterate fag-smoking, meths-drinking dropouts. Disgusting state of the local hospitals. And that means ALL of Bromley. There are just 24 beds for sick children in the WHOLE borough (which is the largest borough in London).
• The gossiping. Everyone has to know everyone elses business.
• Orpington itself.
• The Ramsden estate Walnuts now they've 'done it up' i.e. changed the colour scheme, at least before it was retro and crap rather than just crap. Warren road school- the bain of my youth Newstead wood school uniform - it couldn't get much more revolting
• Young people hanging around the streets with nothing to do
• All the really ugly and sad Olavians
• The Far North fish paste factory has some of the revolting smells and the roughest girls in the world. I used to work next door to it. In 1986 they employeed a stunning blonde, whom we christened Miss Fish Paste 1986. We would all letch as she walked in and out of work. But she went on to bigger and better things, and Orpington got back to normal.
• Star Lane, although this area is currently being cleaned up (ie the houses are being demolished and the residents rehoused, although perhaps just demolishing the houses would have been a good idea).
• Bromley - not really a bad thing but Orpington suffers to a certain extent from the fact that Bromley has such a good High Street.
• The Priory which seems to be host to some of the strangest children in the country.
• The gypsies in St Mary Cray are a low point as well, but the only time we see them in the other parts of Orpington is when we've a special rubbish collection (old matresses and so on) and they come round to see what they can nick. A friend says a couple of shots with a ball-bearing gun get them moving... The weather's really annoying at the moment, too... weeks without rain then a sudden downpour.
• Yes, mini-roundabouts are a pain, but only because people who don't live in the area don't understand them and so don't go when they're meant to. Otherwise they work quite well.
• Orpington College. Believe it or not, this is actually part of the University of Greenwich. It's a magnet for degenerates from a very wide area, and anyone's who's left there with any kind of qualifications must have put a hell of a lot of work in. Bromley College is almost as bad.
• The worst thing about Orpington is that it exists. But if you have to be more specific, I'd say the gypsies and lowlifes that lived on the outskirts like St. Mary's Cray and Green Street Green, (what a stupid name. Here's another: "Pratts Bottom" I am not making this up!) who used to come into town for shoplifting and burgling were and are, if they'll still there, the worst. The Ramsden housing estate is another epicentre for crime and lower life forms. The place boasts two comprehensive schools - which are anything but comprehensive churning out gifted double digit IQ's and 99.99999% of the unemployable in the county. The rest are in St. Mary's Cray. (Just thought you would like to know that the Ramsden school, if you can called that dump a school, was pulled down to my great delight a few years ago, and as far as I know it's just wasteland now. Hopefully all the lower life forms who live on the estate will have a big fight and kill each other. A very messed up ex-pupil.)
  The town is so depressing that most of the people I went to school with have left, even left the county in most cases. I have to visit every Christmas and spend three weeks there as penance for making loads of money abroad and visit parents.
• Mini Roundabouts. These have got to be the worst thing about Orpington and surrounding areas. The trouble is that Bromley is a wealthy Borough and has no imagination when it comes to wasting its surplus of Rate Payers cash. However, after a torturous treck up the A21, you can always stop off and have greasey egg and chips at the worst eating place in town... the Little Chef, but a stones throw from the notorious Change of Undies Public House.
• I went to college in Orpington for two years and if I ever go back there it will be with a flame thrower. It's full of fifty pence shops and nothing else. The only people there are students at the college and old people and lowlife mutants who are all too ugly, stupid or smelly to live anywhere else. My advice would be to take Orpington off the list, because it has nothing to offer anyone ever except misery and pain (I suppose the college serves a purpose, if you're into that A levels thing), then maybe Orpington will cease to exist.

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Last updated: 2008-05-15