The Knowhere Guide

Best and Worst in Jersey Saint Helier, Channel Islands*

Jersey Saint Helier, Channel Islands Triumphs and Tragedies

Favourite Building

• Despite being the capitol of Jersey, St.Helier doesn't have too many buildings that are particularly important. At a distance stretch i'd say the old Jersey College for Girls building on the outskirt of St.H is probably the most significant, as it's going 106 years of educational history, boasts one of the best educational institues in the British Isles and during the war was used as a Red Cross building (you can still see where the red cross was painted on the front of the building). The tragedy is that now the school has moved sites (after so many years the building wasn't up to standard anymore), the chavvy youngsters see fit to vandalise it. Even though it's a grade2 listed building, no one really knows what to do with it, so it's being left to ruin slowly. But that aside, historically this is one of the most important sites on the island.
• my house
• Elizabeth Castle
• The one near Central Park
• The old hidden Nazi tunnel just round the corner from the Underground Hospital (and no, not the mushroom farm, the other one).
• the splash, in st ouens, its got the best view in the island st ouens bay, its got pool, surfers and skaters are there in the summer sufing and in the winter they all get pissed. class grunge/punk/metal night club on sats, shitty dance music on fridays.
• B Block - Notorious staff quarters of a large hotel
• maratime museam.an old granite storage facility rsetored yo it's original glory.also the cottages in hue street,an original part of st helier dateing back to the 17/18th century that they wanted to demolish.saved and restored by a determined bunch.well done boys and girls!
• my house!
• Fort Regent. You have to see it to believe it...

Demolish It Now Building

• Pretty much everything that the states of jersey have seen fit to spend money on since 2000. My biggest pet hate is the stupid steam clock next to the weighbrige. It told the wrong time for about 6 months when it was first built, and it blows bubbles...occassionally. it cost about 3million and is about as pointless as gold lame trousers. I hate it, i don't know anyone that likes it. It's ugly, evil, pointless, a waste of money and has no significance to st.h or the island in general. Money well spent, clearly!
• All the buildings that are mounting up on the Waterfront and covering a huge part of the scenery around Elizabeth Castle and the bay, it's truly shocking in my humble opinion.
• the States Chambers - with all the States members inside! Can but hope eh
• all the farms meat is evil, up the vegitables
• The du feu house O and shink there boat while your at it
• the du feu house hold
• La friget
• LIQUID & The new Waterfront complex
• Steam Clock
• Cine de France but they're gettin refurbished so maybe not
• THE WATERFRONT DEVELOPMENT !!! Christ on a bike ! Who the hell thought a chunk of central Birmingham would be in keeping with the local ambience of the seafront area ?! MORONS !!!!!! Architects....stop using Jersey as a testing ground for ideas you wouldn't be allowed to implement in the UK.
• The old abatoir
• Fort Regent - looks like a WWII fort.
• the police station, perhaps at a time when there are many of them in it!
• Fort Regent - ugly and out of place
• I used to live in a flat paid for by my employers on Hastings Road and there was a terrible cooling tower which obscured my view.
• le marais tower blocks,all 4 of the damm things.
• my school
• The Police headquarters. Nuff said.
• La Frigate Cafe The Steam Clock
• Ariadne the Steam Clock .. buggest steam clock in the world or summat .. belongs in disney world .. eyesore ..

The Best Things

• The feeling of the place. St.Helier is where everything happens and it feels like that. Any time of year the streets are full of people jut doing their thing. The coffee shops where you can just sit with your well-priced costa rican free trade coffee, watching the world go buy. The high street where I challenge you not to be able to find exactly what you're looking for. The Cows at Westcenter where you will never walk past and not see someone clambering over in an attempt to be original in a photo, not realising that anyone who is anyone has already done just that. The high street which you walk down alone and by the time you reach coop at the end, you've found 10 friends because everyone knows everyone and town is the place to be.
• I’m related to every one
• lettice
• All the beaches
• St. Ouen's Bay, St. Brelades Bay, The Watersplash Night Club
• SPLASH!
• The waterfront apart from KFC
• General laid back attitude of the kids and the snottiness of many suitted workers. The beautiful scenery and access to the sea.
• Hmmmm......VERY low crime...you'll probably never get murdered, raped, mugged or robbed...but you probably WILL get beaten up by a drunk at some stage and have your car vandalised/bike lights stolen/motorbike kicked over and jumped on (tick whichever is appropriate to your situation).
• Sailing, surfing, eating out.
• women!!!lots of them and very fit indeed!
• Surely the best in Saturday night entertaninment was Mike Scotts Caberat club in the now dim and distant (demolished) Sunshine Hotel. Not only could you be wowed by Mr Scott's vocal techinques (ever present rendition of Deliah), but he was also a comedy genius who could silence drunk hecklers with the same put down every night. High spot of the evening was the heckling from the back from the waiters, followed by Bertie Aherne's magic spot and the Phillipa Messenger Dancers trussed up in only a piece of piano-wire and two strategically placed pieces of tin foil and a cheesy grin. If your lucky you can still catch the Matt Roper comedy experience (oxymoron?) in various B-list theatres around the country.
• Far enough away from England to be forgotten about. Hooshay and his "a gentleman doesn't wear brown shoes during the week" shit.
• you can surf, skate, piss anywhere and the cops are so fat they just shout...
• Clubs are open every night. Large amount of Portuguese men to be found all round the island. Everywhere is within walking distance of each other.
• country side,clubs the locals(mad nutters),laid back attidue.
• Close to beach, cheap booze, warm(ish) weather
• surf
• Rusty Lee had an epieptic fit in the men's toilet of the Bath Hotel and spilled creme de menth on my mates shoes.
• The weather during summer, the spotless beaches, the superb cliff views, the fact that no matter where you are on the island you're never more than ten minutes away from the sea.
• Frequent flights from the superb airport

The Worst Things

• The chavs that strut about like they own the place. Not to be romantic, but thats all i can think about on a bad scale.
• Too expensive, by a long way
• the reclamation site on the south coast of st heiler where else in the world ?would you see such a mess on its water front? only Jerseys what a mess
• cheats
• I’m related to every one
• meat
• The Traffic in St. Helier
• KFC
• Snobbery. Enough said.
• SHOPS. Once again, it's the old VAT chestnut. And no, the "but it's the freight charges" lie does NOT work. The cost of commericial freight is minimal - some sellers even pay the costs FOR the retailer. People of Jersey, vote with your feet......or buy online. RENT. Jesus, for what you pay for a one bedroom flat in Jersey, you could get a 2 bedroom house with garden and garage in the UK - no joke. The price of basic neccessities (bread, milk etc). Would someone care to explain how the Milk Marketing Board (a monopoly) justify their outrageous prices. Jersey is 9 miles by 5 miles in size. Travelling from the cow to the the carton to the shop is a journey that can only ever take a limited amount of miles - countable on one the fingers of one hand at max. Politicians. The only way to improve this standard of life on this island and drag it into the 21st Century is to oust the old guard (too busy feathering their nests in their comfy and complacent States Chambers to have any aspirations or be inspirational)and bring in a party political system. Accountably would soon make these aged spongers get their act together. A party political system would see that members who waste millions on un-needed projects (whilst the local Hospital has to rely on donations for essential MRI scanners and suchlike) would be voted out come the next election. If States Members actually had to pay for their mistakes then maybe this island would be run PROPERLY.
• House prices, cost of living.
• the cost of places to rent
• police posh people old people
• Traffic (the whole island is just crowded). There are no motorways either.
• That whole 'bean' thing is a bit sad really. More money than sense (hold on, that could be a good thing).
• The worst thing is not the back-in-time government or the power-crazy centeniers who knock on your door at eleven o'clock at night asking you to trim your hedge. I can even put up with the mentality of pissed up Ben Sherman shirt wearing, shaven headed, double earringed, mobile phone in top pocket pissheads fighting at the Weighbridge on Friday night and then staggering home through the tunnell aggresively shouting at the taxis going past. But the worst thing ever to come out of Jersey is ex Quennevais resident Will Browning who is now leader of the facsist Combat 18 movement. I hope he farts himself inside out.
• the local government naffing things up with their stupid ideas that nobody wants but still go ahead and do.the knocking down of loveley buildings and some property developer building high class flats that nobody wants or can afford.in general prices of houses that in general again noboby can afford,due to inflated prices.
• Insular attitude, travel costs to get to the UK, no take-aways open when the clubs shut.
• flat sea sometimes
• The ridiculous number of annoying tourists in the summer, the crap weather in winter, the amount of Kevs and Boy racers.
• Too many to list. Lack of life, interesting people......

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Last updated: 2008-07-01