The Knowhere Guide

Inside Information in Portadown, Armagh*

Portadown, Armagh Hookup Spots and Stuff Only Locals Know

Hook-up Spots (That hallowed spot where everyone hangs around with their mates dreaming of the time when they can get into the pubs or clubs - a bench, a corner: you name it.)

• bottom bench in the park- ideal location for alcohol and soft drug abuse
• Me and another fella where in Portadown at Portadown College the other day skating. It a good spot with some good lines. Also the we meet four other skater, although one was on a BMX, they were pretty cool guys.
• ah well theres tonnes o places if ya know were to look an know the right ppl.theres the bann (i dont go down there)tipplers if ur neer broke and wanna laugh and get pissed, killicomaine gets a few round abercorn park or the bonfire obviously seasonal theres the car park outside super value or tescos or theres the batch in the park or on the pitch take ure pick!4 da skater dudes ders da college or da town centre i c uz about der alot.dats also a good place for good crack!outside shamrock park ...the challet!but thats only good if ya know ppl and ur with a big crowd...der is no good "clubs" ther but there are a selct few pubs...pity the towns very sectarian in july... i got a good few mates from the other side of the barb wire.the mall in the weekend and evenings is v busy u'll find some1 u know there.thers this wee ice cream shop neer dunnes i suggest u try the ice booms there fuckin lovely.the lady that doz em is nice.the bad thing about this place is if u say the wrong thing to the wrong person ure in trouble but that rarely ever happens
• anywere along the g road
• BEST SPOT FOR U PORTADWN SHAMS IS THE LETHAL PARK! R DA OAK BEST SPOT 4 A BIT OF LOVIN
• Portadown is crap if your into skateing then your best bet 2 find other skaters on saturdays is probably portadown college theyv tried 2 stop us from skateing by changing the ledges but they are better then the last ledges theres also the flatbank behind magowan buildings and the centre is used aswell u can also chill at kaos 4 a while if its not 2 busy, birdie wont mind even if he pretends not 2 hobsons has shut so u cant hang there theres plenty of ledges and rails if u can haul ureself up onto them
• mccaffrey's cane with a quarter and a bottle of wine playing darts and mariokart. Good craic.
• The skylark(park) offers tranquil and idyllic settings for those under the influence of 'leather lips'.
• In my not so humble opinion, the best place to chill at the weekend in Portadown is on the train on the way to Belfast. No matter where you live or what you believe, the general hang-outs around the town have an intrinsic sectarian underbelly. I'll finish in the immortal words of Tupac Shakur; 'That's just the way it is'
• "killicomaine shops" a wall outside some poor elderly person's house where the local "hards" of said estate hang out of an evening with their thriving family of 6 kids under 4 years old, to intimidate any decent person who might be a stranger to this little community,and wants to shop in "The Shop" (a VG that sells out of date produce and employs anyone with a very low IQ) A definate hook up spot for the extremely hard up!!
• anywere were the provies,stickies or park crew are not likely to be
• Plenty of 13/14 year old wankers hanging around the Meadows and McDonalds every Friday/Saturday night 'cos they're not old enough to go to any of the nightclubs in Banbridge, feck off you twats!
• portadown public park- buckfast,narcotics and agressive behaviour and ur more than welcome here(providing ur not a clock)
• The stump at the bottm of the park is a good place to go and get leatherlipped with Ricketty and McVeigh and Friel if he bothers his ass comin' in!
• THE BATCH known to all the Killicomaine mingers and all the college lads who spend many a cold winter night up there with their wine.
• nowhere for the skaters enway
• Forget about going out in Portadown if you're over 21, better go into Belfast, stay over and go somewhere DECENT. If you go to Bennetts more than 3 or 4 times you'll be bored of the same old saddos every week. And the local cover bands are limited to Dire Straits and Van Morrison cover versions. Get a life! Get a train to Belfast instead! Hook up with your mates on the way to a gig.
• There are none.This is Portadown! (the home for losers)
• A good place to meet up with all thoese friends is Corcrain Bridge! All go up there to go for a good old clauding with the opposite religion! So if you want to meet someone, and get them down the backs, CORCRAIN BRIDGE is the place to be. Please note, this is a seasonal venue.
• portadown is as dead as the people in it
• well, there is always the bann river if you fancy geting so drunk you think you'll go for a midnight swim...
• where else would the worthless lowlifes of porty up hang out but the Park once the pavillion windows are kicked in it provides a warm haven for underage alchol and solvent abuse
• Once a year - the annual stone throwing contest - aka DRUMCREE!!! Roughly a million "residents" of the Gravaghy Road, and another million "loyal Orange men" spring up out of the woodwork, to join together in the festival which has ensured that everyone, no matter where they live - has heard of PORTADOWN. - IF you really want to meet the people of Portadown (you need your head read) you'll find them all there. - oh yeah, and if you are lucky, you'll even see a big fat decrepid dinosaur (ie Ian Paisley) at Jurrasic Park (Drumcree Church).. -Oh and a final point - take a look at the size of that church - how do all these "religious" orange men (who attend there, without fail ONCE A YEAR!) fit in there anyway???????
• down the bann with my bottle of wine to meet the lads
• Saturday when you where 14 to 16 consisted of arguing over who went into the carryout last week and who,s turn it was this week then six beers or a bottle of the finest wine from the "Challie" tking the carryout as quick as your wee legs could carryyou,so no one's mum seen ye with it. to sandpits or the power box in rectory, drinking it with mild frost bite in winter and the sound of the stock cars roaring in the winter. Seeing what girls were looking mildly attractive but as the beer went down so did the standards. Then it was down to the bann pissed as a fart, singing and shouting all the way. Once their it was pull any minger you could. Good times, never forget it
• A must to visit in portadown if you ever intend to go there, is to go along to the carry out near shamrock park and buy 3 bottles of buckfast, then procede to RECTORY PARK were there is a field called the sandpits and you will be guaranteed to meet others with the same drink, all out to have a frightfully good time this is one of rectory parks oldest traditions, as i myself was brought up there,TOTALLY RECOMENDED
• Portadown Town Center its where all the skaters and hippies hang out to chill and skate and also durning the summer at Portadown College on the Killicomain Road close to portadown town center there is loads of us skateing and chilling out.
• We used to bunk off going to Sunday Mass and go and sit in the old St.John's Graveyard. You'd regularly find us sitting on one of the flat table-like head stones up the side of the old church,(which was taken down brick-by-brick and rebuilt in Cultra, chopping on Tayto Cheese&Onion crisps and telling fanciful stories about ghosts and devil worshipers!! Much time was spent in those days walking between Brankin's Hill and 'up the town' to go to 'the pool' on a Saturday afternoon.
• ocasionally I think back on the times that were had on the hill other wise known as (THE BENCH) Located Midway along the Garvaghy Road, it seemed for years that most party loving peaple of the area hung out here Having a laugh and a joke. If you got bored with the Town you coud be sure to get a laugh their and maybe find out were the next mad party was!!If you were young and enjoyed the crack most locals would no you hung out their and I bet e few still do. A big Rarh joo the benchers were ever you are!
• The Bann River. If you're 13-16 and don't mind 'hard' girls continually asking you if you've been 'slabbering' about their mates and threatening to throw you in the river. Just tell you're mum you're going to C.E. to praise God and you can have a (relatively) trouble-free night. If you like that sort of thing. By the way, Buckfast/Diamond White are essential to you becoming part of the 'crowd'.
• Criagwell ave
• down the bann!!!, this is basically a brigde where most people have been to drink carry outs, meet partners and generall have a good laugh
• There are many places to hang around Portadown, although during the night they aren't particularly recommended because they can be quite rough however, at weekends try the carpark outside Tescos on Meadow lane, worth a look and I've never known there to be any trouble there.

The Knowhere Guide started out as a list of places to skateboard in the UK. It is a compilation of (unedited) information and views supplied by users like yourself. It is not a conventional tourist guide!

In most cases, the information in each section has been submitted by more than one contributor (the credits at the bottom of the page list some, but not all, of the contributors) and some of it dates back to the 1970s.

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Last updated: 2007-07-06