The Knowhere Guide

Eating and Drinking in Portadown, Armagh*

Portadown, Armagh Pubs, Cafes, Coffee Shops and Restaurants

Food

• Jimmy Lyness if yer lookin' for a chippy, Palazzo kitchen for a kebab and there's a good chinese on the Gilford Road beside the Shop4U
• wee barneys...fish an chips...yummy!
• greasy joes (the tasty take away) you might see 'eat the profits' in there (derek)
• wee barnys
• The Oriel in Gilford does some fantastic food, I can recommend the vegetarian alternatives. Plus, it's just across the road from Wee Minnies for drinks after. A good night out.
• The Tasty Take Out - Have changed...they are getting better chips! Well done!
• Can't beat a Chan's omlette with chips, peas and clotted gravy.
• For underpaid, overworked and totally humiliated staff at Portadown's McDonalds (plus anyone else in town suffering in a 'McJob') check out the McDonald's Workers Resistance site at: http://www.mcspotlight.org/campaigns/current/mcsues.html
• Kebab Machine, Magowan Buildings. Best Indian around. Ask Subhash for Chicken Tikka Masala (medium hot) and experience a taste sensation.
• Maybe Elle's is a Portadown institution, but that's not necessarily a good thing, now is it? Elle's is where 'respectable' people (i.e. stuck-up narrow-minded church types) go for unimaginative food in the company of their peers. Deep pile carpet, flock wallpaper and underpaid teenagers in servant costumes complete the ghastly atmosphere. Handily located four miles outside town, so only nice people with cars can get there. Still, keeps them off the streets I suppose.
• my pizza pallazo were i work! come in to see me. i'll give you a discount!!
• palazoo kitchen, k.f.c,the port, mcdonalds,every food place in town basically
• Does anyone remember Bailey's in Thomas Street?? Was hit by a huge bomb about 8 months after it opened. It re-opened again but closed down in 1984. Was a great place to eat and meet friends. Have to mention Robbs on the Armagh Road, great place to eat and reasonably priced.
• millions
• The Pizza Palazzo down the bottom of the town was another part-time job I had. Cool bosses and really tasty pizza.....except after that I have never managed to face more than one slice!!!
• Ells, otherwise known as Robs- you get a good feed for a reasonable price. Good for making family get-togethers as painless as possible. But make sure you book first or be prepared to sit and wait for hours. WHY do people do it?! The Golden Bridge chinese- lovely chow mein but extortionate to sit in. Chans- lovely chinese takeaways. A bit greasy and probably dodgy hygiene, but hey! The Frying Saucer- the most delicious chicken fillet burgers ever!- Tasting is believing. The Boardwalk- very cool theme restaurant complete with jukebox. Service and food is changeable though. Nice for meeting up with friends. The Chinese Near Bennetts- never been there sober (hence not knowing its proper name), but damn good for the munchies. Be prepared for pervy old men waiting for sausage suppers though.
• Chandlers is very trendy but sour wee girls behind the counter are a menace to society. El Porto (formerly Hobbs) looks the part but the food has gone totally meat-two-veg. Too bad Phil and Margaret were so glad to offload the place.
• Loads of places - everywhere. My own personal preference is the Boardwalk cafe which has quite a fifties America feel to it. Alternatively other highly rating places are Wee Barney's, Hobb's Cafe, Bewley's, or Robb's which is out of town on the Armagh road.

Pubs

• This is a bar were all the great pool players in portadown congregate, if you want a game this is the place thursday night on. Big games sometimes sunday.
• tiplers is good craic i suppose if u get the right crowd bennetts....is smaller than my bedroom but again with the right crowd can be a good nite robinsons=hole! chalet...old men
• BENNETS is the place to be! The music is fantastic and the staff are really friendly. It helps if u have been to or go to Portadown College, otherwise u may feel a bit out of place!
• Pubs in town can be a bit of a minefield - depending on your idea of good craic. Bowles' is hard to beat for overall entertainment - provided by the drinkers of course. If you're lucky you might bump into a few local football "stars" in various states of inebriation.(One of them might even sing for you) Avoid Bennets if you want to get drunk - I've never seen anyone drunk in Bennets probably due to the price of drink. If you do go - try out a pint of Turbo Shandy. Also best to avoid when all the students are home - you'll only meet people that you went to school with and never liked anyway.
• Depends what your after. Bennetts is good- gets a fairly mixed crowd(always a plus) - a bit pretentious though. While we all have our own traditional places, there is no where really for free thinkers. Nightlife in Portadown tends to be too predictable! Joe Macs has lovely pints and a cracker jukebox. Bob Marley/Bruce Springsteen forever!
• Jameson's Bar - The bar has really changed, with a new sports bar, new faces and good craic.
• Bennetts bar in Portadown is the only bar worth going to, it is fanatastic there's always loads of talent and the barmaid is gorgeous!!!!
• no one said Tipler's... its a really good pub. check it out
• Bennetts and McConvilles, not the greatest places in the world.
• Bennetts is worth a look but not too often
• boring old bowleses' - the foegie bar
• any house in churchill
• i would like to say that i think Robinsons is the only godd pub in Portadown at the minute. i know its not very big but it has a friendly crowd and the music on friday and staurday nights is very good. the rest of the pubs in portadown are shite
• Unless you are in the IRA/UVF/LVF or an ex college student there is nowhere to drink in Portadown
• Wee Minnies is a must.....Atmosphere is great...Everyone has a good time,,The owners take no shit,so there is never any trouble in it...Staff are really friendly
• Gary's bar on a friday night with bryan adams - summer of '69 blasting out of the juke box!
• joe macs
• all of them
• Very few good ones. McConvilles or Bennetts about the best.
• Most if not all the pubs are for the old farts
• The Cellar Bar carpark again M'lud!! With our wee bottles of West Coast Cooler. We were hard!!! Or get yourself into a snug at McConville's: http://www.mcconville.org/main/guestbook.html
• Can't beat Patsy's! Strongest alcohol and sexiest men!
• The best bar in Portadown is Garys Bar !
• Bennetts is one of the few places you can go to unless you're a bit of a hood! Tony the owner is a lovely man, the atmosphere is good, decor nice, bar staff friendly, toilets clean...need I say more? (Unfortunately the drinks are quite expensive, but unless you belong to, or want to enrol into a paramilitary group, it's probably worth it. Allegedly) And you don't have to come from Ballyhannon, though I do admit that during the holidays it's a bit of a reuinion of ex-Portadown College students. But avoid Friday nights, and you'll be okay- I promise!
• wee minnies (not exactly in Portadown but close enough) Gilford great guinness lots of singing, friendly staff who never kick you out on the stroke of 11!! best night every other Tue
• McConvilles is the perfect pub. Too many old fellas and not enough women can be annoying - but remember what the women in Portadown are like... Bennett's is fun for about 10 minutes, but it helps if you've recently sat your 'A' Levels. At Portadown College. And you're from Ballyhannon. And you Dad plays golf.
• The best pub in town is The Tunnel Bar, great craic and nice people.
• Pubs - Gary's Bar, Queen's Bar, Burke's - go into any of them.

Cafes and Coffee Shops

• There's a few on high street a wee bit up from High Street Mall but can't remember any names.
• black mountain coffee...every friday after school...be prepared to get chuckt out of your in a portadown college uniform
• black moutain
• Gaynors - elsewise known as greasy joes, so dont be complaining of too much grease!
• The Yellow Door. Ace, fab, wonderful, nice people, great coffee
• Chandlers is dive, nice place but the staff are all members of Hitler youth. Although the owner is a fully paid up member of the assholes association of Ulster. In fact I think he's president of it now.
• Are you trendy (at Portadown College)? Do you like sofas? Do you think 'Friends' is credible adult entertainment? Do you mind being blatantly stared at by ugly Argos victims while you drink a double espresso with whipped cream? Then you should try Gloria Jeans, in the High Street Mall. Actually quite fun, in a "this can't be Portadown" kind of way.
• there is that new coffee shop in the mall which is a bit of a "central perk" with the big comfy seats
• BRAMBLES IS A NICE PLACE TO EAT IF YOU DONT MIND BEING SERVED BY 14YR OLD UNDERPAID AND OVERWORKED CHILDREN WHO ALTHOUGH THEY WORK IN A CAFE HAVE TO BRING IN A PACKED LUNCH AS THE PROPRIOTERS (MR AND MRS WILSON) ONLY GIVE THEM 20% OFF THE PRICE OF THEIR MEAL. IMAGINE HOW ANYONE WOULD FEEL KNOWING THAT THE FIRST TWO CUPS OF COFFEE SOLD IN THE MORNING IS ENOUGH TO MORE OR LESS COVER THEIR HOURLY WAGE. "THIS IN MY OPINION" IS THE EQUIVALENT OF UNDERPAID CHILD LABOUR. IF APPLYING FOR A JOB IN BRAMBLES JUST BE SURE THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE ANY BRAINS, SELF INITIATIVE, SELF ESTEEM, OR A WILL TO GET AHEAD IN LIFE. IF YOU DO APPLY FOR A JOB IN BRAMBLES PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO STICK YOUR RECIEPTS ON YOUR PLATE AND GLASSES SO THAT THE OWNERS KNOW THAT YOU HAVE PAID FOR YOUR MEAL (AND DONT FORGET YOUR 20% DISCOUNT!!!). ESSENTIAL ITEMS 1. A LUNCH BOX. 2. NO SENSE OF HUMOUR. 3. A VERY SMALL PURSE. 4. A NEED TO FEEL USED. 5. AN IQ OF 47. 6. A NEED TO FEEL MISTREATED. 7. AN EXTRA LARGE PAIR OF KNEECAPS. SO THERE YOU HAVE IT! A LOVELY PLACE TO EAT! SO COME ALONG IN, VISIT US AT ANYTIME AND PLEASE,PLEASE,PLEASE DONT FORGET TO LEAVE THE YOUNG STAFF A SMALL TIP, BUT DO NOT LET THE OLDER WORKERS OR BOSS SEE YOU DO THIS AS THEY TAKE THE TIPS OFF THEM. BRAMBLES!!! THE PLACE TO BE SEEN AND NOT HEARD!!
• yellow door , chandlers etc
• The Cherry Top bakery in Church Street have just put together a nice little cafe. Great coffee and try their cinnimon and apple scones. Thanks Marina and Mark.
• The service is no good in most places
• The Yellow Door is so cool! Really - you'd think you were in a decent town. Also check out the Day-Today store by the Annagh Bridge where you can sit outside and eat ice cream. Nice one, Malcolm!

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Last updated: 2007-07-06