The Knowhere Guide

Inside Information in Clacton, Essex*

Clacton, Essex Hookup Spots and Stuff Only Locals Know

Inside Information

• Just to set the record straight about Marc Bolan. Marc Bolan WAS born in Northwold Road, Stoke Newington, which comes under the Borough of Hackney. He was born in the Hackney hospital. Only his father was Jewish, his mother wasn't. When the mother of a child is Jewish that defines whether the child is Jewish, if it's the father, then the child is not Jewish, so Marc was not Jewish. I knew Marc well as I too was born in Stoke Newington and still live here. There is a blue plaque on the wall outside the house he lived in, which is just 5 minutes from where I live. Marc went to the same school as me..in Stoke Newington. I think whoever told you Marc was born in Clacton was getting their wires crossed a bit. As I said, Stoke Newington is part of Hackney, and Hackney is very close to Clapton (with a 'p')..somehow they latched onto Clapton being near to Marc's birthplace and saw it as Clacton...seems like a likely explanation.   
• wat a load of codswakkop tgis site is! pathetic and ignorant and very adolescent in structure and design   
• Me m8s n ppl dat i no hang around outside mcdonalds, down the pier entrance, amusements n randomly down da beach in da summer.   
• The bloated fish in Holland rd is massively popular these days   
• planets emporium, west avenue - lots of young girls off their faces ready to do owt you ask!   
• The bench by the phoneboxes in the town centre opposite McDonalds is the prime spot to check out Clacton life at its finest. Single mums with bleached hair and kids called "Jordan" go about their daily business of sexually pleasuring asylum seekers and benefit fraud whilst the army of over medicated and re-located sex criminals blend in to the seaside backdrop. Be cautious as the minor threat of Clactons trailer trash plastic gangster community is always present around this central location.   
• Mcdonald. Retards congregate all the time.   
• Clacton is now full of Gays - every corner, every bus stop every shop doorway. seems it's now Macho to be Gay and the Clactonites have gone for it big time!   
• if you're a boy/bird racer, do about 50 'laps' round town..by laps, i mean down the 'strip' (near maccyDs) and then round and up again, past maccyDs and there you are, back at the beginning! so start it all again..if you dont know your way around, just follow the nearest nova (most likely to be 'pumpin' something which is too distorted to make out). but don't despair even if you don't drive...u can join the other wankers on the 'square' opposite maccyDs, or the slappers on the benches at the end of the 'strip'. if you wanna shag i suggest a park (there's a few around, but are mainly populated by paraletic 11 year olds and/or smackheads, tramps etc). or a shelter down the seafront..can be a bit nippy and the benches aren't really wide enough for my liking, but worth a go. paki shops are good places to hang around outside, or in a chippy so you can 'gamble' that 50p your mum gave you on one of those shitty machines. failing that, do what we all do and go down the muzz. (WARNING: if you try and have more than 1 person to a machine, your out, and remove all hoods/hats upon entry to the building).   
• Most of the places mentioned do not exist! The area opposite MaccyDs is the main hang out though, as it's a pedestrian area with loads of benches and stuff.   
• Locals tend to sit upon the montanous dried dog turds on the corner of wellsley road. these can be quite uncomfortable in the dry summer - but much softer in autumn and spring when the rains come   
• Macdonalds is a kind of hang round place or, yes usually a bench, theres a lot of these for the old people. Theres a lot of old people to.   
• The main attraction of clacton on sea is the legendary warwick castle boot fair.This takes place every thursday and Sunday, and attracts every weirdo and "never been", like flies to shit.Fighting over bits of old clothing and non working electrical items. Clacton has so many old crones and mental degenerates, you eventually become one,like slow torture!That is when you become a true Clactonite!   
• beach   
• All the kids meet under the giant gingerbread statue of Paul Caden (showing him craddling a young whore). It was erected in 1999 by local artist Olaf Infafinfinfin88 as a "satirical statement against the local use of tie dying". He left after being chased by a band of Clactonites comprising of Carla Jones, Tony Gibbs, Maxwell Hurd, Bethany Livermore and James "Fackers" Fackerell (who gave a piggy back to Ross Lenard and Tom "Tooty Fruity" Corbins). When they caught him, they tattoed him with the legend "Women flight"   
• There is a statue of fabled Clacton son Gavin Long in Roof Lane, which shows him fighting a dragon. The staute commemorates his attempt to run a half marathon in 1999 and the dragon is symbolic of his failure (in fact the staue shows the dragon biting his testicles off). He set off on the run but stoppped after five minutes with a stitch and has to give up for his salty tears made his vision impaired. All Clacton youth hook up here to celebrate Clactons own special brand of failure - in fact numerous Clacton bands (The Noise, The High, Daft Henry and the Polkas and Lord Palmerston) happily sign autographs here.   
• As with any cultured town, the main hook up points are the art gallery (which recently held a well received exhibition of Turner works), the Art house cinema or experimental theatre. After experiencing such stimulating works, we head towards Tom peppers where a shit Dj plays "ironic" songs and we stand on chairs waving. That’s culture.   
• Most kids go down to the newly opened theme park Westlife World where they can mingle in a self contained 'town' filled with animatronic copies of Barry, Lazarus, Figgis, Roland and Philip - the seminal music gods "Westlife". There was incident involving malfunctioning robots which resulted in the deaths of 12 people but that was swiftly covered up. I advise you go to Yul Brynner world, its much safer.   
• Me and my mate used to spend all summer on the trampolines by the donkeys at the beach. We loved watching fat kids going on them, knowing that they would shatter the bones in their legs if they jumped to high (the trampolines were made up of elastic covered holes in the ground that were beautifully shallow) or just knock chunks out of their heads when one of the rusty springs pinged off at 100mph. Towards the end of their time they had an ambulance crew on standby. All innocent fun.   
• The pier entrance   
• I usually meet my gang six inches above sea level in Lipshit Street. Ginger Baker once saw us and was "shocked" as we floated past his car stealing his wing nuts   
• to many to mention ,down the beach .pier ave . the mussies where you could get a job floor walking and get paid to hang around with your mates <does brian damage still work in harrisons > at the back off the zoo was a good place to take the ladies or one of many shelters down the sea front good old clacton in the summer you couldnt beat it..   
• yeah - that spot opp. Mc Donalds is affectionally known as the Groovy Triangle. Groovy. Right. Yeah. Whatever.   
• That dank spot opposite MacDonalds ..... it still happens, you can sit and watch the boy racers in their "boom boom stereo" cars go racing by!   
• I used to meet my sweetheart in Titchmarsh road I think it was called, but that was years ago. Before the Anglo-Dutch War, way before the sad day Jimi Hendrix passed away peacefully and a week of two before my teeth turned blue. My sweetheart left me after that day, I longed for her to return. I called at her door, but nothing happened. I went out of my way to pass her house while I was out walking, day after day hoping in vain to catch a glimpse of her, perhaps pruning her bush or glancing at a whistling cat through her window, but never did I see her. One day while walking past I noticed that the house was completely derelict, that it has been empty for many years and that i was all alone and just like the house, was empty and unfulfilled.   
• One finds it hard to comment on Clacton with any kind of affection. However, there is one area which I believe is the haven for "Hook-ups". Across from the rancid MacDonalds resterant is there is an area where Pigeons, Slappers, Nancey-boys, Policemen and even Santa (seasonal) all hang out in the vain hope of finding love. A rare thing in Clacton I can tell ya! Most prey on young, over-sexed children as they make their merry way down towards the pier.   
• we used to 'ang around the "mussies!!2   
• Nearly everyone goes down the town centre. If your over 18 you dont go. If you're a shitty little teenage wanker you go. Nuff said I think   
• Whatever happened to Reg Browns ??   
• A new bar cum restauraunt has been shut down. Due to the weakness of all Clacton glass, it is easily broken in to and ugly faced youths can be spotted on clear nights dancing and jiving inside. When police cars coast past, these wise guys and dolls stay perfectly still as if they are stautes, prompting a cry of "This shop is only full of statues, we may as well leave now then". So far three popel have dissapeared into the void in the back room, which goes nowhere.   
• There is no such road in Clacton as Gubbins Road   
• The best place in Clactonm is the sublime `Moon And StarFish`. It beats `Tom Peppers` because `Tom Peppers` is a pile of old poo poo wee wee   
• The best place to hang out in Clacton must be the Milk Hand Signal. It is a shop in Gubbins road that sells milk and chocolate. all the cool people and top totty hang there swinging their parents round by dog leads, attached at the neck. Having said that, the police often raid the place beacuse of an abundance of kiddie porn, most nasty.   

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Last updated: 2008-07-4