The Knowhere Guide

Best and Worst in Lutterworth, Leicestershire*

Lutterworth, Leicestershire Triumphs and Tragedies

Favourite Building

• Not quite a building, but the monument in the market place that looks like a huge penis has go to win, hands down. Especially when they put plastic sheeting over it after it gets damaged...
• The old(and much missed)Galaxy video store where in the mid to late eighties my mates and I heard that he would lend out hard core porn to his members to play with their members.We sat one day,nervously in The Shambles getting drunk for courage as we'd heard that you had to use the magic password of "Do you have the list from the fridge?"After a while,when suitably pissed(only took a pint and a half in those days)I was confident enough to go for gold.I walked in and sidled up to the 'Adult' section which consised of a shit 3D Electric Blue video that came with NO glasses."Can I help you,mate?""Yes,erm..D'ya 'ave the list frum thu fridge?"At which point the bloke grasped under the counter for what I thought could be a shotgun,only to pull out a horde of about 12 video cases."Which one's have you seen?"My life was never the same after that.Great bloke.I now wear glasses though.
• The Masonic Hall
• POLICE STATION ITS LIKE SOMTHING FROM TOY TOWN (COME TO THINK OF IT LUTTERWORTH IS TOY TOWN)
• the police station as its always closed. or the big chemists cos you used to be able to climb on the roof and watch the local piss heads at work.
• The town hall when it burnt down.
• Auburn Place (Sixth Form Department of Lutterworth Grammar School) Everyone has find memories of the sixth form, little else to say
• I dont think there is one, perhaps the old cinema place.
• Lutterworth Police Station, it's so lovely and quaint, and the country police are a little slower than your usual coppers...

Demolish It Now Building

• spencers estate agents
• The Wycliffe rooms why oh why oh why do Ihave to put up with the sight of this every time i go round that bloody bend ?
• The Working Man's CLub, only because it looks too square and has bad memories in it. Though I'm sure most would say any one of the four schools.
• Excavate everything and plough a field on to the site.It'd be more interesteing and you'd probably get better prices for CD's than It's Electric!(It's Electric?What is?Certain;ly one could say the stafff need to be recharged in charisma but....)
• The Police Station.ACAB.
• all of them houses pubs shops the lot
• got to be the Broadbents house
• Lutterworth residents should be categorized by intelligence and social grade and re-housed in the South for the high scorers and Coventry for the low scorers. Houses, shops and infrastructure should then be napalmed and the land turned into an extension of Magna Park, due to prime location.
• Fords discount store, may God forgive me
• The Unicorn. The Fox. The Baloon.
• The Safeway and Sainsburys buildings, they really should have only built one store with a petrol station.
• The Phalic object that appeared in the Market Place. Costing the council £10,000, when they wouldn't even give me a grant!
• The shambles
• Safeways, The Hind

The Best Things

• happy atmosphere
• The way everyone knows each other, or at least each other's families and so on.
• knowing you were not born here therefore totally unnafected by the genetic lutterworth disease of total undiminished failure in all walks of modern society.
• Lutterworth provides two of the greatest car parks in the world for drinking tea and smoking fags in your car at 3 in the morning. If that's not a great tourist point I don't know what is.
• coming back and knowing why you got away same faces same shit same bloody everything
• The Rugby Club Fireworks disply circa 1980-88 where Jon Jenkin's used to snog lots of girls and kids used to lob crowies on to the bonfire and it'd explode all over nice couples and their kids.Maiming them.Quite funny,but you had to be there.Ahh,the safety of it all,a few pints of a rugger buggers piss and nobody gave a monkeys.
• Good quality faithful characters that litter every pub making them all a home from home. oh and the boneheads have surprisingly grown up and realised that they actually are small fish and are now consentrating there amateur terrorism else where.
• Lutterworth Army Cadet Force! Known throughout Leicestershire, Northamptonshire and Rutland ACF by some of the instructors as the Hitler Youth. Seems to have faded somewhat from the elite of B Squadron into nothing more than a youth club in uniform, especially since the last lot of senior NCO instructors had to leave. Their replacements? Jumped up kiddies thinking they can duplicate the sadistic, twisted, sick - yet amusing - sense of humour generated by RSM Bettle, and SM Berry. Who can forget the Christmas parties held in the now-condemned St Marys Church Hall listening to war stories from the troop commander....I told them...I warned them.....the glasses are definitely off mate..
• Knowing that you are leaving very soon and getting out of the whirlpool of shit that you are in. Getting an escape to the glorious world,which is only available if you a) do a degree, b) do a job like footballer/film star etc c) commit suicide
• During the late sixties,early seventies,a seething hot bed of wife swapping and orgies,liberally spiced with drug taking and pulling Vespa scooters apart.
• Christmas Eve in the Shambles is always recommended, is tradition really if you went to the Grammar School
• MMMMM, hard one this, spose I'll have to go for the Shambles, simply for the memories.
• The road to Leicester, and a cup of tea round at Big Al's smallest house in the world, it's really tiny, so small infact he sleeps with his feet out the front door.
• the small amount of luminous tracksuits you find in most towns
• The music scene from 1989 to 1992 - with bands such as Summerhouse, Field and the Nancy Reverb!
• Lutterworth Grammar School - Children coming up to school age, want to make sure your in the catchment area of a good school? Well look no further than Lutterworth and its satelites. This school has to be the best in the whole world - Where else can you be taught by a cheeky chappy who smokes pipes whilst rooting around junk shops? Where else can you get completely bollocked by a middle aged with-mum dweller? And of course where else can you be thrown out of the library by the UK female heavyweight sumo champion? On the whole it's top.
• Fords Discount Stores. This store just has to go on the Internet. It is sells just about everything and is THE place for the ultimate in Value for Money Christmas presents. Forget London, Paris and New York, Fords is your number one discounter.
• Rye Hills. This is the only hill in just outside Lutterworth and most make the yearly crusade their when it snows for some serious fun with a sledge. Yeeha!

The Worst Things

• too many chemists
• The way everyone knows each other, or at least each other's families and so on.
• Admitting to people that Lutterworth is where you are from and trying to point out that Frank Whittle was a very famous publican,once.Always tell this to foreign birds because a)they don't care b)they don't care.
• the sheer concentration of slappers and tossers that vacate this sad quagmire of depresion and depressives, still, lutterworth needs a mobile fuck up clinic set up preferably close to the shambles.
• lack of things like a mcdonalds,any leading high street names would be nice you know like other towns have
• The worst thing about Lutterworth is that there aren't any good one's, shame really. When I was growing up in Lutterworth there was enough to do. But once you reach eighteen, hmmmm, well you can go to the pub or?? you can go to the pub.
• All the wankers which create this town, should be analysed for good/bad genes and terminated atthe deciders conclusion.
• It's in a time warp, it's like Lutterworth is a piece of cheese, and someone has put one of those glass lid things over it to keep it fresh. That may work for cheese, unfortunately it's done nothing for Lutterworth or the people. Come on people of Lutterworth revolt, smash that lid off, do something NEW...
• Drugs
• Old woman who walks around town with her nose in the air and some guinea-pig on a lead.
• Lutterworth mentality, all those kids who sink 6 pints of Export in Koggy's and then think they can take on the world. Very sad little boys.......
• There really should be some form of entertainment for everybody aged between 17 and 40. There is nothing, no club, no late night venue, no cinema, no nothing, sort it out!
• The lot that think that they are hard, but actually aren't.
• SSS. The Secret Scrubber Squad. This is the seedier side of Lutterworth just off the Leicester Road. Steer clear, as skateboards and bikes have been known to go missing, and it's the home to second and worst chippy "Petes Fish Bar", with cold kebabs and seriously greasy chips.

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Credits

Last updated: 2007-05-19