Clubs (Dance Music) and Music Bars in Chaffley, Essex*

Where to go to get down

You can tell us more about Chaffley.

• "Betya Can't Do This" is a challenging club wherein owner Keith Waffle-dust walsk past the bar swinging his badminton racquet, singing "Bet you can't do this" before throwing open the challenge. Patrons may then attempts to copy him for a prize of £50 and a quick wrist job by the good man himself
• there is only one club called 'Scotties'. It is reputed for being 7 miles underground and many have died while falling on the enormous set of stairs down to the dancefloor. Drink is banned from Scotties, as people have got drunk and killed themselves by suffocating on bubbles.
• The Tim Tim Club is good. Situated near Chaffley Victoria station (easily reached from Borisgate Station in London) plays the best of Belgian and Latvian House to a clearly unexcited audience. Thursdays is pie night, when everyone is invited to bring along a pie for consumption on the premises. The latest chart music from 1987 is played continuously and no alcohol is served. Anyone caught using the pies for anything other than eating (even sharing with a friend) will have their knees stapled together. The event is filmed for the owner, Donald Hell's weird sex club.
• "Shit Hole Dance Club" is actually very good, while ironically "Good Times Dance Club" is shit. Wierd huh?
• "Shit!" on Thursday at Studio 42 in the town centre is exactly as the name suggests. A choice combination of the worst of advertising jingles and cheap, nasty 60's, 70's and 80's pop. It's not unusual to hear the theme from Ghostbusters and 'Yes Sir, I can Boogie' by "Bachara" as well as shitcore classics like 'Grandad' by clive Dunn and remixed by Keith Waffledust. It is run by Dj Monky Too Monk Monk Too Monky Monk. He's right barmy y'know. Other events include Techno Night on Firdays', which in the past has featured sets by such seasoned Techno geezers as Marmaduke J Flab and the Sister, Citizen Chuffnut, Avoiding All Foil, the Aphex Twin and Back to Madrid til you get it Right. Studio 42, as well as being Chaffley's only and best niteclub, also boasted the comeback gig of 'DJ 65th Birthday Party' performing live in Chaffley. The award for Techno against all odds must surely go to these diamond dukes, who got together whilst being held captive by Mujahadin rebels in Afghanistan last year. Following a UN negoitiated release, they ambled leisurely along to the studio whereupon they crafted their album "Total Abolition of Tubular Hygiene". Sadly, it was a childish and shambolic affair, sounding like Children let loose in a bell and whistle factory. at least their alive, I suppose.

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Last updated: 2008-10-14