Hookup Spots in Chaffley, Essex*

Inside Information and Stuff Only Locals Know

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• "Lord Oliver's Left Earache" is a hollowed spot, famed for it's whirling dervish dancers, Checkerboard Charlie, a wormhole into an alternate dimension, and the ruling house of the ogliarchy of the Tree Folk, a kindly, sentient race of gorillas who, since usurping power in 1996, have decreased crime and unemployment(by killing the homeless and the criminals, tearing their limbs clean from their torsos), given free dental work to people(via their large monkey paws), raised the economy(By defecating on most people's items, forcing them to purchase new items), and raised literacy levels(by cramming books directly into people's craniums). Oh shit they're coming I won't have time to finiALL HAIL KONG LEADER OF GREAT APES.
• The guys hang out in 80's road, a small area of Chaffley forever indebted to that crazy decade we have since named "the 80's". Down the road are many 80's men and women who are having particular trouble adjusting to post 1980's life. 1996 saw the now infamous riot here when a group of yuppies demanded Coca-Cola change their recipe back to that of failed 80's experiment "New Coke". The request was refused, as were the following: a new series of CHiPs, rubics cubes in every bar, Live Aid to be staged every year and Going Live! to be bought bakc to Saturday mornings along with Philip Schofield and Sarah Greene. The ensuing riot saw 11 people killed and over 34 hurt. Stupid 90's, they were crap. I mean, whats wrong with leg warmers? Shoulder pads? Mullets? Bubble perms? Def Leppard? Oh geez. . .
• I always hook up with people in Tit Street, so called because I saw a lady and she was naked. i saw a lady, she had no clothes on.
• Obnoxious corner is famed for being the place where the obnoxious population of Chaffley like to hang around. this includes the violent swearing vicar, and Tony, tricky tumble-toed toaster teacher
• All the poepl I know in Chaffley go to Gubbins Road, the main road conntectin Clacton and Chaffley. It also connects Knickerton and Trellis Town to Chaffley. The reason people hang here is simple and fast: Because they do. Youth as young as seven and as old as 45 have been known to hang around here before dissapearing into the night in an orgy of violence and mayhem. Local dignitarries such as Keith Hemmm and Keith Hemmmmmm have tried to stop it and will act against anyone caught near here by sellotaing the victim to a wooden pole with a sign haning from their shamewd neck declaring "I hung where I shouldn't. From now on I shall stick to designated hanging areas such as Willy Cave and Hookey Street. I love Chaffley" and
• There are some really great places to hang around in, in Chaffley, the best one has to be the Pie Festival Hall along the seafront. This used to be the place where everyone in chaffley used to meet, especially during the summer months, but after the early nineties craze invented by Gary Barlow, George Michael and Elton John, it has become proliferated with willy-wobblers.
• One good hook up spot is "WeeWee's cafe". It is in Blooter Avenue and is where all the cool guys hang out, especially Tom Rogger.
• Being a seaside town there are plenty of communal places along the seafront where young scamps can meet and discuss plans for various theatre projects toegther. The best one round chaffley though, has to be by Marc's amusements on the A604 (known locally as the 'Paperback Road' due to it's connections with the porn industry. Another good 'un is outside McWhirter's Old Fashioned Sushi Bar on Tim Lane. There is a large green outside which is suitable for landing most types of helicopters and STOL type aircraft. Tendring District Council (TDC) which runs the area, has now approved construction of new wooden seat opposite the chemist in Wiggam Avenue, due to open in March 1999. The new seat, designed as a meeting place for folk of all shapes and sizes, will face north-west toward Foley's Abbatoir on the corner of Follicle Waye. The reinforced plywood and teak veneer seat will replace the old seat, destroyed after local police accidentally opened fire on a group of school children in September 1998, killing eight and irretrievably damaging the woodwork.

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Last updated: 2008-10-14