Musical Instrument Shops and DJ Gear in Chaffley, Essex*

Stockists of gear to make good sounds

You can tell us more about Chaffley.

• If you want to, say, set up a band which is, say rock orientated, then you can go no worse than, say, buying your instruments from "Bert Stanleys Music Instrument Shopppp" in Hitler Avenue, just off Luftwaffe Lane. The shop itself, due to a bylaw, must be powered by seagull gas, which results in it being in complete darkenss for much of the day. Please note: Althought the shop itself in very very dark, owner Bert Stanley DOES own a pair of night vision goggles with which to catch and perv on those attempting to pluck strings, blow a trumpet or get a bit French Horny. Those fucking the instruments will be ejected.
• Chaffley is well known for it's population of rednex and coutnry hillbillies. As a direct result if this, several shops exist serving this ethnic community. "Cletus' Duelling Banjo Shoppe" sells banjo with which to duel with and other such supplies like pick-up trucks. It also provides a citizens advice service for this community. Services on offer include practical adviced on how to marry (legally) siblings (sisters or mother particularly) and how often hygiene and cleanliness reduces "hick" eligibility. They also sell creams and ointments, so you too can "sqeual like a pig". Note: "Yoo sure have a pretty mouth boy..."
• Puddick's on the High Road has a very limited selection of instruments (mostly cheap toy ones), and Mr Edward Puddick runs the shop is notoriously "difficult" ("a right f****** c***!" is how one ex-punter described him). However, his shop does revel in the live performances that do sometimes take place. Upon utterance of the magic password; "Can I speak to the W.A.S.P please?", Edward appears dressed as a bandleader with an entourage of similarly dressed children ranging between 5 and 7 years of age, and they play Jazz standards, such as Acker Bilks' "Stranger on the Shore" and "When the Saints go Marching In". Unfrotunately, Edward suffers from having no musical ability whatsoever and is thus completely tone deaf, and children, well, being children, have had no real tuition apart from strange old Edward who makes them dress up as members of a marching band and play instruments they don't know how to play. During the perfomance Edward is said to prance around "like a Loon" and often takes all his clothes off. This strange, nightmarish performance style is definitely not for the fainthearted.
• There are no musical instrument shops in Chaffley. Instaed you need to travel to nearby Walton or Frinton
• "Edward's Muzak Olde Tyme Shack" just off the Clacton road (A 2232 for all you map fans), is a hideously over-priced and severely rank pile of poo-poo platter. The man that runs it is an uneducated eejit that thinks Russ Abbott is still on telly and has a framed photo of Stock, Aitken and Waterman on the wall. On the plus side though, when Sonia played at the Chaffley Bowl, her bassist purchased a copy of "Bass for Bassists; Issue 42, September 1993" from there. Now there's real fame for you.

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Last updated: 2008-10-14