The Knowhere Guide

The Worst Things in Clacton, Essex*

The entirely missable and worth mentioning because of it

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The Worst Things
  • Mencap. There's no Gateway clubs Over there. So as it doesn't give the people with special needs something to do. That is very poor.
  • The worst thing bout clacton is it sucks any good out of you any good that is done hear bad is ten times fold if its not bolted down its going missing it is the place were hmp finesst are released mainly peados one summer sticks out were there was a guy droping cards on floor in front of kids to molesst them don't move here it eats ur soul the people here are the scum of england you have to live like them or they take what they can from you I have tryd to help the people here but they are pure evil
  • Everything here is awful
  • So many old people the whole place stinks of lavender and piss
  • This place is genuinely awful
  • it smells
  • it smells
  • THE NAME CHAZ WHO WOULD GIVE A SON THIS NAME ONLY SOMEONE FROM CLACTON IF YOU COME ACROSS CHAZ GUTHRIE TELL HIM HIS DAD IS A TOSSER
  • Clacton is the only place in England where the best pub around, is a "wetherspoons"! I'll leave it at that.
  • der is nuthin 2 do!!!!!!!!!
  • People who aren't called Gary or Sharon. You guys and gals don't appreciate how much simpler life is if we only have two names to remember. Be even if easier if everyone was just called 'Az! (Gaz, Shaz)
  • All the girls in clacton have massive...ahem...how can I put this....entry caverns. you can fit a few in at a time if you can hack your way through the undergrowth!
  • The people especially all those under the age of twenty who are without exception thick, lazy and anti-social.
  • i can remember a man on the pier,and he did some sort of tricks like walk on fire and he put a sward through his lips ,i think he had holes put in his face so he could do it yuk it made me feel sick,and i didnt like the big wheel as my boyfriend work on it and i went on it for free and i was sick
  • everything in this place is horrible, avoid at all costs
  • Everything - itís a hideous resort and you wouldnít pay me to go back. Itís basically full of Essex boys and London low-lifes (same thing) who all seem like clones. Quite extraordinarily and unimaginably awful.
  • Clacton
  • the bloody kids there everywhere after about 8.30 hanging around mcdonalds
  • the fit women who like to 'sleep' alot who aren't really fit once sober
  • granys and thier little wolly trolly things there a dager to everyone
  • Everything here is awful
  • I moved here to Clacton a year ago with my family and the sooner I move out of here the better. If you are over 60 or prefer to be unemployed for the rest of your life then this is the place for you! Its a very poor area (just look at the masses of charity shops). The only well off people that I have met here are the retired people who come here to live. I'm in my thirties and feel so out of place here. Its a shame as Clacton itself is a nice place with the beaches and gardens ect. Summer is a lovely place to come to. However take my advice don't start up a business here as people here have no money to spend. Sorry if I have offended anyone, but I wish someone told me all this a year ago before I moved here. Theres a lot of nice people here too I'd say, but unemployment is high as there is no work here and in the winter it is dead here.
  • The bungalows in lake walk,are they all full of social misfits or are they all interbred???????
  • I CAME TO STAY WITH A OLD BOYFRIEND ONCE MARK SAWARD ,(I LIVE IN LOWESTOFT), AND HE WORKED ON THE PEIR AND TOOK ME THERE ONE DAY AND THERE WAS A MAN THERE AND HE WAS PUTTING A STEEL ROD THROUGH HIS FACE AND IT MADE ME FEEL SICK,THEN HE WALKED ON HOT COAL ,BET THAT HURT
  • Turd Skating
  • The dodgy nutters. The old people getting in the way and if you move out the ay for them they don't say thank you, and they say we have no respect for them. The overall look of the place. Not enough clothes shops. Not enough things to do. The way everything is so great in summer and then in winter it's like a holiday village for tourists but no tourists come anymore so it's to depressing. Seagulls crapping on you. All the girls who walk around in mini skirts with un natural looking blonde hair who sound really common and shout all the time. The tourists. They get in the way and take over. The schools are the only normal places and I wonder if anyone has noticed that none of the teachers actually live in Clacton or any where near it really.
  • the town centre on a friday night with all the Garys pounding round in their Novas, glaring at eevryone. fools
  • everything the whole place is crap and should be bulldozed into the sea
  • Hey, as a "nearly old person" and as a Clacton born and bred girl, I object to the remark that all Clacton girls are ugly. My daugher was born and brought up here, and she is stunning! Of course, I might be a wee bit biased .....
  • Most of the Residents.
  • It has a person called Jackie here who is the bike of the area. She has an unhealthy friendship with a fat retard called William.
  • The Homeless saddoes are now becoming a real threat to honest job seekers in the fraud stakes. we thought we had the market cornered until The Big Issue sellers came! Bastards!
  • Lets think. Tom Peppers. Imagine Hitlerís beer hall putsch (look it up) happening in Essex and you're half way there. Clacton is a real thalidomide beauty contest.
  • For fear of ending in blood soaked finger stumps, I really must limit myself to naming just the amazingly shit (or uber-shite) aspects of Clacton. Again, because I am having to type this myself (and dictating it would result in burnt vocal chords) I have decided to name what is absolutely positively and infinitely shit about Clacton. In a word - Clacton. Anything that springs to mind pops up in your head vision, memories of events held within the town walls. Anything of this nature is shit and shit extraordinary. Thank You. You are scum
  • Too many to list. One worth mentionng is a pub called 'The Rocking Horse'. I think its a student bar, it is so dark and dingy. very intimidating.
  • I lived and worked in "Clapped out on Sea" as a former colleague referred to it, for many years. I also heard that the town is the teenage pregnancy black spot of Europe. Reports that the rate has since fallen upon my departure have been grossly overblown...no pun intended. I haven't been back for years...nuff said.
  • The awful Huntlets nude beach at the very far end of a mile long dirt track(semi passable for bikes) of the ginormous Jaywick Mobile Home site(s)Think Florida. THe "beach"for nudists is itself shingle and most of the 99.9% nudists are male,sitting in the car park on camp chairs for 2 hours at lunch. No facilities whatsoever for up to 3 miles.
  • How every one kinder knows each other. "Oh yeah my friends boyfriend work mates brother knows you"!!!!!! HOw does this happen???
  • every bloke thinks and trys to talk like a cockney and they all think there well hard
  • The million Gary's and Sharron's who live in the local area - go away!!!
  • Miserable , ignorant , stupid Tossers Frequent every orofice
  • The worst thing is that the Daleks have built a large mining area here, using slave labour to try to reach the earths core. This situation depresses me, but I took heart in seeing a nice blue police box earlier, which, I don't know why, seemed to cheer me up
  • Having to leave to seek your fortune.
  • how many fingers and toes can you get
  • Everybody knows everybody else! You just can't sleep with someone without their other half finding out about it!
  • The worst thing is that all the cats have super heated arse holes. Many of them start fires if they sit on dry woodland, and often a child will be burnt whilst sticking it's finger were they should go. Daffodils are free to look at, but Lord Mayor of Clacton, Peter Longford has often said he wants to charge people for eating in the town centre and would happily see tennis banned from the entire country. Waht a git.
  • Unfortunately another unrepealed law means that residents of Clacton by law, have to have their faces daubed in "Donkey fluids" whenever the residents of Thorpe-le-bangem (former home of the local duke) wish it.
  • The worst thing about Clacton... and anyone who has lived there will back me up... is that all the girls are really ugly. I mean, in any town in England if six girls walk into a pub at least one would look slightly nice. Not in Clacton. Oh no!!! Ugly mate. Seriously, this is true. My Dad even apologised to me once for bringing me to a place where all the girls are so rank. Oh yeah! It's full of old people.
  • The worst thing about Clacton is The County High school: it is really rubbish. The best school is Colbayns: the uniform is better and the pupils are much nicer.
  • Clacton Dart Centre and `Mice N Easy`, the pet shop
  • The worst thing is the Essex boys who are complete clones of one another and wankers to boot. They all smell and are ugly with tiny teeny dicks. I hate them all and they must die

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Credits

All the information in the Knowhere Guide has been contributed by users over the years. No one person is responsible for it all and not all contributors will agree with all the opinions included.

Parts of this information have been supplied by: Daniel Hobbs, George, Clyde Trevor-Pointer, Caroline Mitchell, rod cove, John Mills, Happily Warmed, carol carpenter, shaz, Tom Haines, Jumper Pillows, Raw Pie, Stale McGraw, Boz, Spenyo, Stu, James Sadler, Paul de Valmency, sexaaaay, debbie, rambo, john knocker, James, jez smith, ian jackson, Mohammed Stetson, paul tucker, Tony Anderson, Anon., wrinkledupoldfart, Curtis Bighammer, Fabby, bILLY bOB kING, Pete, kirsty, gunton spine, Charlie, Anthea, Big John, karen, Jason Lee Watches in Fear, Bob, Rodney toesseur, char, AGGHHH!, bt busby, lynn, brid, Harry Smith, dan, Leonard Timpson, Alison Jones, John Doe, E.Puddick, J,Holton, Mrs Doyle, Sterty PcMu8, Natalie McDonald, Johnny Rottheim, Leonhard Fish, Norman Jacobs, Mark Farrow, malc, Phl, Clyde Van Barron Electric III, michaela, David Jones, generic, kez, Kelvin, teedee, DONNA, Stuart Goddard, Steven Harbinger, D Grimsdale, GtrLrmmum Petttre, Gazza, Gerald Manheim, mart kinsella, daniel bullimore, Trumpet Volvaire, raydowsett, Walter Tyber, gerge, George Hardwick, Richyhem, j.c.stone@amserve.com, Ray Dowsett, DONNA PETTITT, Dougie Ballaster, Bobcat Goldthwait, David Brown, Paul Caden, fred, Ray, Dave Crockett, Lyn Rennick, Hannah, TONY QUINLAN, Norman, Don Dingle, Dan MEar, dean atkinson, John, stephen adams, Lenharls Hettabernia

Last updated: 2013-06-08

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