The Knowhere Guide

The Worst Things in Crouch End, Greater London*

The entirely missable and worth mentioning because of it

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The Worst Things
  • Horrible, arrogant, rude snotty middle class people everywhere, full of poncy cafes staffed by unbelievably stuck up nobs, insane house prices, poor transport links, claustrophobic due to lack of green space and unfriendly.
  • Sigh, This for the person who called me called me 'a bitter and hateful person'. Yes I did slag off Crouch End, yes I am bitter-primarily for the scandalous gentrification of my old area. I wrote those colorful comments around 5/6 years ago and my comments have significantly softened since then ! As you stated, regarding Crouch End having a unique feel to it- yes that did happen in the 1980s. I did indeed move out of Crouch End in 1987 and moved up to the equally gentrified Muswell Hill. Since the 2000s I have settled in Camden. Anyway I did love my old area, I was born there- hence I am boanfied Crouch Ender, also I still have friends there etc. Hence I still go back there for nostalgic purposes- every now & then. However over the last 20 years, the gentrification is beyond baffling and some (not all)residents have an air of self importance and arrogance about them. The house prices are way over inflated and the estate agents are smug creeps. Granted this is with all of London now, especially Camden. With regards to what you said about people looking out for each other- that ceased to exist long ago. Deep down I would like to move back there, but only when the inevitable bubble bursts- peace !
  • Oh dear - someone sounds a little bit bitter about Crouch End. Ahem. This someone obviously hasn't lived here in a while and hasn't bothered to get to know the people who live here or understand what makes Crouch End tick. It's a wonderful place to live with a great creative buzz. It's not Kensington or Chelsea and doesn't want to be. It's got a shabby chicness which I hope it never loses. People look after each other around here and I am so thankful that the hateful person who wrote these things about Crouch End no longer lives here. Try getting to know a place properly before running it down. Crouch End has everything which unfortunately means houses prices are high but that really is for a reason. I live in a flat but I'm not bitter just feel fortunate to be here and to bring my children up here.
  • Tesco and kfc and we have the worst binman ever
  • Park Road Swimming Pool, a once pleseant leisure centre has been turned into a unesscarily refurbished Holmes Place wannabe. It has pointless over zealous rude security guards, who monitor people who cue ??? Plus there are obnoxious staff at the desk, who shout at six year olds for sneaking up at the Galleria. The scandulous house prices for a crumby greater London Zone 3 suburb- it's not Hampstead or Kensington !!!!!!!!!!! The new breed of Crouch Enders are narrow minded snobbish upwardley mobile thirty somethings who have overtaken this place. They have one goal 'I'm alright sod you'- go to back to Winchester or move to the docklands you fuckin yuppies! Budgens- why is it still there ?? Typical Couch End planning Bullshit a Tesco Metro is bang next door! Smug Estate Agents Highgate Wood Secondary School. 4X4 owning fuckwits who clutter Crouchend Broadway. No decent shops. Neil Morrisey Old school crouch enders cashing in on this smug charade, it was the cheapest place in the 70's- now look at it you bunch of sellouts! I may sound like a Victor Meldrew type whinger on a soap box, but I was born here and horrified at how ghastly the place has become- a poor mans Islington. Even if Barbra Roche got voted out, this place still stinks of New Labour's fascist legacy.
  • Arrogant New Labour tossers, estate agents who are really servants of the devil. Crouch End was once one of the most affordable places in North London, unfortunately it is now under the illusion that it's Hampstead! Fuck off it is mealy a poor man's Islington. Budgens, Highgate Wood Secondary School, The World Cafe, Banners tosser clientel (shame because it is a nice restaurant). The sell out residents from from twenty years plus, who have jumped on to this fake middle class farcical bandwagon; don't forget your routes!!!
  • Huge buggies and millions of them. Why can't people carry children like they are meant to be carried?
  • Some locals can be a bit pompous. The traffic warden at Coleridge school, he stops every other vehicle for one person to cross!!
  • The posh kids that hang around on the streets pretending to be 'ghetto' who constantly bug me for ciggerettes! Wait till your legally aloud to buy your own.. Im sure mummy and daddy can afford to get you as many malborough lights as you want..
  • New Labour Tossers who have made crouch end the unrecogniseable dump I grew up in even worse!!!!! Banners, Budgens and scandalous housing prices.
  • Who actually shops in Budgens? I have never encountered such an expensive supermarket in my life. It makes Aldi look like Fortnum & bloody Mason's food hall.
  • The 3-wheel-buggy pushers, who accuse you of "hating children" if you so much as wince when they ram your ankles. The 4x4 drivers who try to park on your feet. That naff "jewellery" shop near the fabulous Fab records, which sells the stuff Mr Ratner made famous. All the cushions and candles shops.
  • cars cars.....cant people walk anywhere if they live here? its safe to walk guys!!...oh and the priory park cafe full of mummies who look at you if you buy a coffee there, unaccompanied by a child, as if you are axe - woman or man from outer space...
  • As someone who left Crouch End in the mid 1990's, for pastures greener, it amuses me to see that the rate of pretentiousness of the incomers has increased over the last ten years - i didnt think it could get any worse than it was is 1994. The Crouch End 'village' dissappeared in the early 1990's and is now an ethnically-cleansed a middle class enclave full of bores who believe that talking loudly about a London utopia will make it happen.
  • Clinton's cards, KFC, phones 4 u, Tony and Guys, Marks and Spencers...get my drift...
  • People who consistently complain about 'middle class' residents. It's mind-numbingly dull and a lazy way of complaining what really irks them. I've lived here 15 years and I don't think I've ever met a stereotypical middle class person on the streets of Crouch End. Try living somewhere like Weybridge or Pinner ... now THAT can be middle class!
  • Crouch End in the late 1970s and 1980s was the bargin basement of North London. However since since the mid 1990s this dump has become a poor man's Islington! Lots of pseudo middle class tossers invading N8, a list of examples. 1/ A laundrette has turned into The ghastly World Cafe! 2/ Banners used to be a very dodgy doner kebab house 3/ The old school residents have sold it big time, that means you Catherene Bazel! 4/ The estate agents persuading out of London creeps to set up shop there. 5/ Budgens is still there! 6/ Crappy terraced houses being sold at Hampstead prices!! 7/ The old queens pub, has been turned into a yuppie hangout! 8/ Holmes Place! 9/yuppies! Crouch End is a perfect example of a newish part of London remarketed to truly arrogant self absorsed dung beetles.
  • The archetypal Crouch End 'couple'. You know, with matching trainers. Middle-aged men and women wearing 'yoof' brands head to toe. Horrific. Budgens. Is there a worse supermarket anywhere on the planet? Oh yeah, and the monumentally miserable service in the boutique 'shops' such as the anacronistically named JOY. What have they got to be so unhappy about??? They should try working in MacDonalds for a month and see how they like that. The self-centred, over-priveleged whinge buckets.
  • All those sad single people with no kids clogging up the pavements and getting under the wheels of my 3 wheeler - although its not as bad as them getting under the wheels of my 4WD. Dog poo all over the pavements - dog owners should be made to pick up or eat it.
  • Try getting a breakfast in Crouch End on a Saturday or Sunday morning/afternoon. Every food establishment is full of dog faced Middle Class parents with oversized buggies and screeming kids. They never tell their kids to shut the F - because the believe this will damage them in later life. No sane person could possibly enjoy eating in such a total menagerie.
  • God, has the curse of the Toorak Tractor (as we call 4WDs here in Australia)reached Crouch End too? My deepest sympathies. Looking back at living in CE the worst thing about the place was the traffic and the litter lying about, especially those forlorn plastic bags and newspaper pages that wrap themselves around your ankles on windy days!
  • the twats running the Sunshine Dry Cleaners on Weston Park: having just torn down a great turn of the century storefront they are now busy replacing it with a graffiti-me-now turquoise eyesore, seismically rearraging the rest of the block in the process
  • Budgens, Budgens and Budgens.
  • Too many smug couples walking around with loads of babies. Children running riot in the restaturants whilst the parents sit there and watch.
  • 4 Wheel Drive Mum. (4WDM) These are new to Crouch End .... probably migrated a bit further North when they found that all the schools around their loft appartments in Shorditch were not the place for little Thomas and Charlotte. As a true Crouch Ender, I welcome all types but 4WDM are bit more arrogant than most. One once shouted at me while I was crossing the road with my two kiddies on their bikes. It was all taking just too long for her ......and she had Thomas and Charlotte in the back.
  • Lazy nit-wits who can't be bothered to walk to Finsbury Park Tube. Lazy nit-wits who can't be bothered to cycle into London. Less-than-halfwit motorcyclists who insist in cresting Crouch Hill at top speed. Anyone who moved in thinking they were contributing to a bohemian atmosphere. The constant bottleneck of cars, buses and pedestrians along Tottenham Lane.
  • I agree with what others have said about the general smugness of the place now: it's changed considerably in the 21 years I've lived in the area. Because of the astronomical house prices CE is in real danger of becoming a white middle-class ghetto.
  • 12pm and 3ish outside the montessori nursery in Ferme Park Road. Women trying to park huge jeeps, 4 wheel drives etc, either smashing into parked cars or creating long traffic queues,holding up buses and cars. Running out and driving their children few yards home to repeat the whole process again.
  • The smug tw**ts who inhabit the place- the ugly middle class mothers and their snot nosed brats blocking the road with their three wheel buggies to talk shite with each other and REASONING with their kids eg "now Charlie you have to understand the consequences if you continue to behave in this unacceptable manner- you do want to go to the Montessori school don't you?") Also that North African/French patiserrie on Western Park Road - crap stale cakes with no taste and miserable tw**ts for staff. Otherwise C.E. is very nice ( except for the tw**s).
  • budgen has to be the shittiest most expensive chain ever. i HATE it and wish that they would knock it down and put in something useable.
  • The W7 is the most god awful bus service in the world. How can you possibly wait 45 mins for a bus service which only takes 15 mins to get from one end to the other?? The other thing is (and I have to agree with the others who say this) the number of people who jam up the pavements and buses with enormous prams for their likkle babies. And the people who clog up the roads with their huge off-roaders with only themselves and their likkle kid in them!
  • The upwardly-mobile parents with their 4x4s and huge prams who feel they own the road and must always come first. Their children are never seen and not heard, and they spoil any and every restaurant and cafe in Crouch End at lunchtime. What happened to fishfingers at home for lunch?! There are some pretty dodgy and violent goings-on at night sometimes. One of my neighbours heard shooting late one night recently!
  • The infiltration of twee home décor/candle/gift emporiums into an area of London that used to entirely consist of real shops (grocers, butchers, greengrocers, Sainsbury's, etc.); the appearance of shops flogging overpriced children's clothes (Snazzy Kids) and overpriced toys (Dragon); and awful bars such as All Bar One. And the fact that none of my friends not yet on the housing ladder can afford to buy even a studio flat in Crouch End.
  • Middle-class mummies and daddies, first time buyers with their one tiny baby which needs a truck sized buggy just to move it from one end of the high street to the other, stopping at intervals to gossip to associates with equally massive three-wheelers and generally blocking the pavement and forcing you into the road!! grrrr
  • Haringey council - worst local government in the world, possibly the Universe
  • moon Buggy prams down the High Street - cos you really need and off-the-road pram as much as you need a 4x4 when driving through Hampstead!
  • Yes the Frameworks owner on Park Road is the smuggest man I know (his wife is also arrogant).Don't bother anyway since it is over priced - I find Carter's Glass much better:cheaper,friendlier and good quality.
  • It's getting very, very dirty in Crouch End .
  • The litter. You can't stop people dropping it, but we pay one of the highest council taxes in London and the council can't do more about it??
  • The fifty-something women in the shop near the clocktower trying to act like twenty-somethings.
  • parking is nearly impossible.
  • Budgens. (The proposed new Sainsburys will put an end to that nightmare). The 'stalls' selling manky overpriced 2nd hand books outside Budgens at weekends.
  • Pollution along Park Road
  • No cabbie ever knows where it is and you usually end up lost in Dalston.
  • The place is frequented by drama students from the Mountview Theatre School. This is a bad thing.
  • It's too near Muswell Hill.
  • Too near Finsbury Park.
  • People moving to Crouch End because its full of similar people to them.
  • The worst thing about Crouch End - the bloody name!!
  • The Chinese takeaway with the bloke with the skin hanging off his hands near the YMCA. (TP)
  • On the subject of rude shop owners, the chap who runs the picture framing service on Park Road, next to the (fabby) pet shop is one of the most horrible people - never ask him for advice - he gives it anyway and takes great delight in saying that your choice of frame/picture etc is terrible! Go in there prepared for a fight and you probably will go out a happy person.
  • The smugness of the people (especially in Banners); the misuse of the old Town Hall and grass area in front of it. Too many estate agents. Doesn't have a decent local paper. Too many Arsenal and Tottenham fans.
  • Poseurs who frequent 'Banners' and the 'World Cafe', i.e. Equity cardless student actors with rich parents. Why do all these people smoke Marlboro Lights? They just don't seem to realise that to be a real bohemian (the status they aspire to) they should, at least, smoke nothing weaker than Gitanes filterless.
  • No train/tube station, so I have to get up early enough to get the W7 to Finsbury Park.
  • Irate and panicky drivers from the direction of Hornsey that realise too late that there is nowhere to turn right at the Broadway towards Highgate.
  • Lack of a tube station within easy walking distance. Overpriced housing. Budgens.
  • W7....???!!!???

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All the information in the Knowhere Guide has been contributed by users over the years. No one person is responsible for it all and not all contributors will agree with all the opinions included.

Parts of this information have been supplied by: Alan Thomson, aleks, Beth, Zoe, Louisa, andrew, Chris Andrew, Nico Hogg, digsee, james, BJP, Toni, Kathy, Dave Bartlet, simon astrop, jane horwood, lisiy, samson, na westwood, squirrel, Rusty Iron, James Fryer, Lesley Marrio-Cole, Jan Traylen, John Bligh, Jannice, Octavia, Mark Serlin, Rich H, maz, Jon Ritman, Neil Williams, Barnaby, Nick Edwards, John Kelly, Jean-Paul, peyoti, Frances, Huren Marsh, rebecca bramwell, stephen bass, will, jackie, boy george lover- rhiannon, graham, A ntonia Owen, Miranda, jean barton, tony johansen, Brendan Cooper, cate, cam, David, Simon, Andrew Lale, Nicola Nazer, O Hunte, David Martin, Heather, Vinny, juliancole, Judy, julie, Col, Palmer, jules, Nikki Lynch, vikas, Brett Aldgate, tomchristie, Shiv, straadgreeny, Romany, Adrian Essex, dd, Par, generic, nial westwood, daisy, paul tracy, Katie, Simon Bronson, Andy Copeland, Fiona Stow, Antonia Owen, MacEmergency, J Kelley, Pete Marshall, Lesley, Russell, Sarah Harper, John Comber, wilkie, J O'Callaghan, ChrisG, Anna, alan paterson, Omar de la hoya, Ivan O'Pinion, tracy, carrie-anne adams, Justin Keery, Christina Griffiths, victoria, Emma Carson, sm, dawn hopkins, stephan robinson, R, adrian, Jimmy Grant

Last updated: 2016-04-30

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