Cringing Cult of Celebrity in Keggers Hill, Essex*

Famous residents and ex-residents.

You can tell us more about Keggers Hill.

• Morrisey lived here for a year in a sea view appartment on "Kegger Hills most richest estate - Monkey Way" (quote taken from Keggers Hill; From Dirty Dream To Sleazy Reality" by Art Carney. The town was the inspiration for numerous songs (he came up with the album title "Meat is Murder" after watching the barbaric local sport of cattle stomping and "The Queen is dead" after a mistaken headline in local paper "Keggers Hill News"). Most famously though was his commentary on the riots that followed the 1994 Roseanne Convention. "Panic" was written about the violence which flared up after John Goodman described the area as "shitter than King Ralph, and oh boy was that shit" (an early demo of the song featured the line; "but there's panic on the street of Keggers/and its all thanks to Tom Arnold"). His anger was heightened after waiting in queue for five hours to get actor Michael Fishmans autograph. After a long wait Fishman left just as Morrisey was to get his left ball signed. ("Hang the DJ, Hang the DJ, Hang The DJ, Hang The DJ" etc was his lyrical response)
• Lark Voorhies and Mario Lopez, erstwhile stars of such wide ranging shows as "Saved By The Bell" and "Saved By The Bell; Zack and Kelly Get Married" have opened up an experimental theatre here. They call it experimental but the only show they have ever put on is "An Audience With Mario Lopez, with special guest Lark Voorhies". Lopez straddles a stool (wearing a muscle top and bermuda shorts) and tells wonderful stories about the filming of his numerous television shows, including "Saved By The Bell" and "Saved By The Bell: Zack and Kelly Get Married". The finale of the show is a 'live satelite link' to Dennis "Mr Belding" Haskins in California (actually a taped message) who joins Lopez to tell a story about thier numerous appearances together in a host of television shows some of which include "Saved By The Bell" and "Saved By The Bel; Zack and Kelly Get Married"
• Marc Bolan was born here (not Clacton, Ruislip, Chaffley or London as many say). He created his first band here (called "The Marcs") with locals Marc Wiggam, Marc Appleby, Marc Harding, Marc Puddick and Marc Grimsey. The band split due to them all playing bass guitar and thus sounding awful (albiet very funky). Bolan went on to form the following bands; "Marc and the Mumbas", "Jurrasic Marc, "Cutty Marc", "Ronnie Marker", "Jeremy Marcson and the Top Gears", "Marc the Herald Angels Sing" and "T Rex".
• The man who was in the show with the woman about the people who did the thing lives here.
• Keggers Hill is home to the magical Dreamprancer Pony.
• Marc Bolan was born in Keggers Hill in 1953 and was named after the Queen's middle name which is in fact 'Marc'. Yeah . . . that shut you al up.
• 80's band Pue have set up a recording studio in Keggers Hill. You can only come in if you buy electro pop instruments from the Roald Dahl music shop (see the Danny Champion of the World aisle for all your electro pop needs)
• No keggers hill resident has ever amounted to anything, ever. There is however and veritable fame banquet alive and well and living in Keggers Hill. Daffyd Jones is most note worthy. His invention of the spring in 1220 allowed all sorts of inventions, from harnesses to coats. He died here in 1250. Living here now is Geoff Capes, who greets all and sundry with a nod, a wink and a blink. He is often seen walking his dogs "Winston" and "Graham" across Kegger Hill Markjet on a sunday, checking out the tapes on the Country and Western Music stall.

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Last updated: 2008-10-14