Cheap Food in Keggers Hill, Essex*

Corner eateries, quick bites and the local chippy

You can tell us more about Keggers Hill.

• "Cheeky Leeky" has leeks (oh those lucky Welshians, what a lovely dish) arranged to spell out cheeky (but never rude) messages. Messages are strictly monitered to make sure no offence is caused. Expect to see 'What a lovely loking pair', 'hello sailor' and 'ooh! matron', but NEVER EVER 'f*** you up the harry', 'c***-shoulder' and absolutely not 'w*** me sideways into a cup you saggy titted f***er'
• The local allotment now has barbed wire running around it, except for a small hole to allow hedgehogs through. This action was deemed necessary by local allotment keepers who were livid about the vulnerability of their hard earned produce. You see this alotment is on the main road, near a pub. Local piss head would stop here after being filled with vodka and beer and would eat carrots in the vain attempt to stop their hungry guts. Id didn't work and in an act of anger they sacrificed the remaining food to Quizbaccc, god of home grown produce. Getting in now has been stopped, so you'll have to get food from somewhere else. I can only really suggest "Darren's Ankle Cookery" for late night food. It sells Kaboobs (not Kebabs, but Kaboob's, a lamb meat fast food with a predominantly male target audience, which is shaped like a breast. I don't know what it contains as I'm still plucking up the courage to go in and buy one.). For the less adventerous is Sausages or Bread (unbuttered and dry). Chips are not cooked here as they are said to attract Daemons, like in ye olde times.

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Last updated: 2008-10-14