Hookup Spots in Keggers Hill, Essex*

Inside Information and Stuff Only Locals Know

You can tell us more about Keggers Hill.

• Local children will try and sell you what appear to be cut pice fridges. THEY ARE NOT. They are simply cardboard boxes with small holes cut in the back that they blow through. Do not be fooled. I parted with over £500 pounds which they probably spent on wine and figs
• Yo listen to me punks and hos! My gang meet up by the Middlemarch shopping centre so if you muvva farkin bitchas want to cum rhumble wiv us you better bring a chain and plenty-o'bomb bustas. We do what we wanna do and no slut-pump will stop us. Shit me if we aint got the best car boot salez in da district. Slap on the decks wiv DJ Nigel the spankin new recor' my beyatch just buyed from a fat-toot. Ray Parker Jr is the man. He the maaaaan. He got it goin on. He so wicked and rad. Dude. Cowabunga! Naaaarly song by a numero one playa! Now we hav ta go fight the Red Kangs. My ho told me she saw them spray colour noise on da walls of my granmas nursey home. Odd messages like "Entrance" and "Fire Exit" in smartted up plastic letters. They think they can fool us with thier disguises! A council van? Ha! We see thru this jiggery pokery with fine style. They messin with the goeffs. Back later playa. Brush Me Daddio!
• A friend has informed me that you do not have a site for Keggers hill. I am very offended by this and wish you to rectofy the situation as soon as possible. Tanx very mush.
• Being a 'new' town, there is as yet no real hook up spot as the new inhabitants are still getting to know one another. The new inhabitants all come from surrounding towns and villages like Clacton, Chaffley, Nipperton and Berkenheep. They were gassed, bundled into the back of a truck (large) and taken here, where they awoke and set up new lives among the already established villagers, who being robots were unalbe to reproduce and were in a state of disrepair. They then tricked the new people into reparing them and they are building an army to destroy the world. Clever men came down from the skies and taught them things like poems, yes poems. Cave paintings dating back to Monday, 3rd August 11BC have been found depicting a bloody battle between the villagers and scarecrows from a near by field. The scarecrows won, despite being inanimate and with a broom handle up their ares. Oh well, such is life. Anyway, the hook up spot seems to be Wee Willy Winkies Coffee and Coffee Cake house which sells cake flavoured coffe, coffee cake and magazines about the exciting world of coffe/cake hybrids.
• I suppose I speak a (semi) truth when I say that everyone meets up at Willies Hard Rcok Cafe in Golman Street. This establishment was opened in 1887 by Steve Guttenbergh who was happy after just compleeting Three Men and Their Baby. He had also just signed a contract to make then (dissapointing, I thought) sequal, The Three Men and The Little Laddie. He came, he cut ribbon, he smiled, he ate a cake given to him and then he left, but he did swap adresses with Cathy Pacific who still recieves a Christmas card from him each year. She wants him to stop as she is a Jehovahs Witness and thus cannot celebrate the season of good will to all mankind and acts moodily for two weeks. She loves new year so much that she forgives Steve Guttenberghs crass incensitivity and sends him a pair of newts via the excellent postage system known as Royal Mail
• Being a small place there is literally only one place the towns youths "hang out" as you so nicely put it, and this is "Keith's" a small newsagents selling news to various international news companies. The Keggers Hilll inhabitants meet up here on Friday and Saturday nights (and sometimes Sunday nights if the next day is a bank holiday) before getting on a no 42 bus to nearby Thibly-Burnnetting. Also frequently used as a meeting place for the towns lonely hearts company, many men turn up wearing a carnation in their button hole while the woemn are usually seen wearing a blue hat with a flower in it.

Search Knowhere for something else:

Credits

Last updated: 2008-10-14