The Worst Things in Keggers Hill, Essex*

The entirely missable and worth mentioning because of it

You can tell us more about Keggers Hill.

• "R-Applebys" - a sex shop that sells really shocking filth and filth. While I visited (purely to research the place for this site) I was shocked to see the following porn types there: clown porn, wasp porn, vegetable porn (both types), tickle porn, hen porn, lego porn, sweary porn, unusual porn, porn porn, naked porn, sex porn, cake porn, crisp porn (prawn cocktail and ready salted), farmer porn, mono eyebrow porn, comedy porn (featuring Larry "Bugger Lugs" Brown doing his own style of stand up), ship porn, weather porn, tourist porn and most sickening porn musicals (including such numbers as "Drip Drip Drop, Little Golden Shower"). The sex toys too were disgusting. I saw and (again for research) tried all sorts of kinky whips, sticky beads and vibrating fingers and was angered by every single one. Are we to allow this sort of shop into our little village? If you agree with me, send a letter of support to Ian Yap, 24 Alphonso Bonzo Street, Keggers Hill, Essex, KE17 IWE. Thank you
• A MESSAGE TO THE SILLY FACED IDIOT WHO SAYS KEGGERS HILLS DOES NOT EXIST: You are a silly head with a silly face upon t'front of said silly head. I have lived in Keggers Hill all of my life and I can tell you that it does indeed exist. In fact, I had the the pleasure of representing Keggers Hill in the 1974 UK Games (which I am sure you've heard of). My event was Poker-Stroking and I came second (beaten by a man with premature ejaculation from Thanet). I agree with Mr Mohammed Stetson who suggested you should open your eyes and see that there are many places upon this planet that are normally ignored. East Anglia has some wonderful villages such as Pirroni-Cum-Moze, Fatville, Nose-Around-Zinc, Chaffley (a beautiful place where I met my now dead wife), Skaro, Telos, Mondas and Le Power De La Daleks. It is a sad day when a silly faced boy (I guess you are a male, and probably a tubby one at that) tries to suggest fictional accounts of a town or village. The post master will be very angry my lad. I pray for you.
• Actually, I think you'll find that Chaffley and Keggers Hill do exist, and that your whining accusation that they do not is simply the utterings of a gibbering lobotimised baboon. Why don't you try OPENING YOUR EYES? You might actually see the local area instead of wasting all yer pocket money that your father (Lord Ponsonby-Fortherington-Carstairs) gives you to shoot plebes in the nuts and buying foppish dandy wear! Thou tit!
• Neither Chaffley or this place exist. They are an elaborate wet dream in some stoner's mind.
• There are some corners of the universe that breed the most terrible things that MUST be fought. Keggers Hill is one of them and soon it will be crushed like Paul "I've got no Mummy" Weller did when he crushed Steven Armsons penis betwixt two Norwejian Pine doors using the power of run-run.

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Last updated: 2008-10-14