Cringing Cult of Celebrity in Penrith, Cumbria*

Famous residents and ex-residents.

You can tell us more about Penrith.

• Roland Bateman is the coppers nark of the town and jimmie rich with his big bushy beard and bobbly hat. He will be seen picking up fag butts off the pavement and smoking them
• Rolie Bateman
• Jimmie rich that crazy old loonie who walks around with his stick and bags of rubbish
• Roland Bateman
• Jimmie rich with his oak walking stick and old ripped bomber jacket and bags of rubbish he is usually seen around the pategill area of town
• Roland Bateman will be seen picking dandelions and various other weeds that he thinks are flowers
• Roland Bateman with his long anorak and that crazy old codger jimmie ritch with his stick and bags of rubbish
• Jimmie ritch with his bobbly hat and bags of rubbish that he picked out of the wheelie bins around town
• Roland Bateman
• Roland Bateman and Jimmie ritch
• Jimmie ritch with his stick and bags of rubbish. His carrier bag is the same one that he was carrying 20 years ago
• Rolie Bateman
• Roland Bateman
• Roland Bateman with his long coat and baggy pants that he always wears
• Roland Bateman with his long coat and crumpled shoes and jimmie Ritch with his council provided walking stick
• Roland Bateman with his long coat and crumpled shoes and jimmie Ritch with his council provided walking stick
• Roland Bateman and jimmy rich and turks
• Jimmy Carrier Bags
• Jimmie rich thats about as far as this town stretches celebrity wise and roland bateman
• Roland Bateman
• Jimmie Rich with his stick and bags of rubbish the crazy gadgie
• Jimmie rich
• There is a man called jimmie rich who is the bearded bloke who walks aimlessly round town like person who has escaped from a mental hospital and that funny guy roland bateman who gives you all the gossip
• Roland Bateman who walks like a penguin
• Jimmie Ritch that bearded fellow who walks round penrith with a stick and bags of rubbish usually seen with roland bateman
• Roland Bateman who talks absolute bollocks the silly knobhead
• Jimmie rich with his nylon bomber jacket and bobbly hat and Roland Bateman
• Jimmie rich with his carrier bags full of rubbish and his old elm tree branch walking stick
• Roland Bateman and jimmie rich that's right Penrith is full of deadbeats
• Jimmy carrier bags
• Roland Bateman with his long coat and umbrella
• Jimmie rich with his stick and bags of rubbish the silly punter
• Roland Bateman with his long coat and curled up shoes like shrivelled leather
• Roland Bateman with his long raincoat! and that bearded fellow i forget the name of i heard he burned down his house the silly punter
• Jimmie rich with his big bushy beard like a tree and long greasy hair
• Jimmie Ritch, Roland Bateman, Turks and mad mitch tutty
• Roland bateman
• Roland Bateman with his long coat and crumpled up boots
• Jimmie rich will be seen searching the town for tobacco that people have dropped the cheapskate
• Jimmie Ritch with his bobbly hat and bomber jacket
• Roland Bateman who can't even speak like a normal person and jimmie ritch with his big beard and long greasy hair the silly punter
• Jimmie rich will be seen with his bags of rubbish and rolie bateman
• Roland Bate is a ledgend anyone who slags him off will get my foot up their arse
• anyone remember big michael knowles, think he left the area
• Roland Bateman with his long coat and shoes that used to be frank sinatra. that's right he knew the guy anyway roland bateman talks absolute bollocks do not get into a conversation with him coz he talks rubbish the sill old gadgie
• Jimmie Rich. you will see him with his old nylon bomber jacket and big beard like captain ahab he also has a rotten old tree branch for a walking stick. stay away from the punter
• Roland Bateman. He will be spotted stealing flowers from the townhead area
• Roland Bateman with his long coat and pants that he sleeps in and wears 24/7
• Roland bateman talks rubbish
• Jimmie rich with his carrier bags full of fagends and rubbish from the bins around penrith the silly old gadgie
• Roland Bateman his long coat could be used as a car cover
• Jimmie Rich, Roland Bateman, Turks and all those pissheads who go to toppers trying to pull
• Roland bateman still grassing up people to the coppers
• Mad mitch tutty yet again still shouting at parked cars
• Jimmy Carrier bags
• there is a man who walks around town called Jimmy Rich. He has a big bushy beard and long thick greasy hair. He has crossed blue eyes and has a strong cumbrian accent yuo will se him with his stick and carrier bags full of rubbish. He usually seen with Roland Bateman
• clive billy bunter arnold and roland bateman
• rolie bateman and his long coat and banana feet
• Roland bateman His coat is the trademark of the town and it has never been of his body im pretty sure that it would have to be peeled off to get it off and jimmie rich who has his old ripped jacket and grime covered walking stick stay away from the old gadgie.
• Jimmy rich thee local tramp
• Roland Bateman
• Jimmie rich with his old 50 year old walking stick and his carrier bags full of rubbish that he pickd up off the street.
• Jimmie rich that bearded punter who walks round town like that old tramp with a rucksack anyway jimmie is a loonie who loves to hang around peoples houses
• Roland Bateman with his long coat and shoes that look like boats
• Roland bateman with his long coat which has never been off his body and that old bearded gadgie Jimmie ritch who has an old bomber jacket and walking stick that he picked of a tree in lowther forest!
• Scatman john who had a song called scatman (skibabopbadopbop)
• Roland and Turksy
• Roland bateman
• Jimmie rich with his old jacket and rotten walking stick who hangs around peoples houses and roland bateman who cant even pronounce words properly
• Jimmie rich that bearded fellow who lives in pategill I was walking with my girlfriend and he stopped and asked me for 5p!
• the noisettes where in town last year
• Roland bateman who tries to get free meals from cagney's and villa bianca
• Jimmie rich with his carrier bag and newcastle united scarf and t-shirt
• Jimmie rich the old gadgie who lives down pategill, He has a beard and long greasy hair stay away from him!
• Louise, The famous woman who dresses up as the staue of liberty and sits in the george hotel sipping coke
• rolie bateman
• Roland Bateman who talk absolute bollocks the sill knobhead.
• Jimmie rich who puts crap through your letterbox.
• Timmy mallet's parents live in penrith and they seem to be really nice oh and please stay away from roland bateman he may seem nice but please dont get into a big conversation with him because he talks rubbish and that bearded bloke i forget the name of i heard that he set his house on fire.
• JIMMY RICH WITH A BEARD AND BURNT OUT HOUSE THE SILLY BASTARD WITH PUBES IN HIS POCKET
• What about Clive Billy Bunter Arnold he is one of the most appalling annoying internet trolls in the universe...His computer needs confiscated
• no one famous has ever ciome or will ever come from penrith. cept seb strangio.
• timmy mallett
• not 1 i can think ov an i lived here all me life
• ROLAND AND TURKS!
• GAV FLETCHER!!!! IZ OUT OF PRISON. MIND UR BACK.
• bald guy in green street whent to ulswater ooh ooh ooh
• TIMMY MALLETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
• scatman john, whose scatman song was a soundtrack on baseketball, and is a big hit with chavs nowadays, ravin off their faces to the crappiness of skipababadabop.
• the raiselands croft scumbags
• Ben the shlonky dong third leg osborrrrrne
• Roland bateman known for his long coat and shoes curled up like a clown sometimes seen with a dog. Jimmy Carrier bags you will see him with his stick and bags of rubish Mr Bell a fag in his mouth and on his mobile phone standing in a phone box keeping dry
• Timmy Mallet's parents. Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Goering, Hussein, Bin Laden, Pinochet. Maybe. Wouldnt surprise me.
• timmy mallet lives in penrith! on rimmington way near foleys house!
• It has been well documented that both Timmy 'Third Reich' Mallet and Adolf 'Crazy Glasses' Hitler originated in fun-riddled Penrith, but are your readers aware that Penrith served as the birth-womb germination-sac of stuttering, fecalphiliac rock monster Scatman John? After worldwide erotic success with crowd-fucking ear-candy such as 'Scatman's World', 'Clarkey Cat', 'Fill My Open, Wanting Talk-Hole', 'Lick My face', and 'I Am The One and Only (written for Chesney Hawkes)', Scatman John, like so many other young women of his age, disgraced himself by plummeting into a narcotics-fuelled, excrement-eating rage. This led to an extended stay in the expensive Swiss blood-parasite clinic, Meat-Bath House, with a crippling bout of toxoplasmosis, peppered with stomach-tagnuts. It was here that Scatman John met his future wife, Colin Birnie, well known in the Penrith area as part-time headmaster of a local poorly-run secondary lesson-mill, and full-time barn owl. Unfortunately, shortly after the consummation of his marriage, John was killed in a murderous emu's arse-gravy encounter, involving hypodermic needles, and Liverpool. Incidentally, Rod Hull was seen fleeing from Scatman's grotesquely warped fleshy death-corpse, sparking rumours that Hull's TV aerial roof-dive was less than an accident, and was, in fact, self-induced suicide, committed by his own guilt-ridden hand, meant to kill him, and thus end his worthless Scatman-ending life prematurely, in a self-life-ending death-frenzy, designed to rob himself of the gift of living, before his time. Scatman John: 1953 - 1998 R.I.P. 'I want to be a human being, not a human doing. I couldn't keep that pace up if I tried.' - Scatman John 'Ba ba bap bap biddly-boop, bwap bap boo boo boo bah boo.' - Scatman John 'Rod, for God's sake, this stuff is too pure! Take it out!' - Scatman John 'Emu, what have you been eating? This shit's fantastic.' - Scatman John 'There's somebody at the door!' - Rod Hull 'Scatman John was a hero and an Englishman. But he still ate shite.' - H.R.H. The Queen Mother, R.I.P. 'Emu shite - Just Say No.' - Zammo, London (drug-addicted heroin-spliff cake user)
• Shinner Warwick penriths first skinhead and best dancer and first ascent of the musgrave monument new years eve 1968. arrrhhhhh dumph!!!! boot boy ravers live on.what happened to Tombo?
• that copper from coronation street comes from round 'ere
• Loads of rich southies who steal our houses! Bastards....
• PENRITH SAPPHIRES WOMENS FOOTBALL TEAM!!!!!
• timmy malet mum and dad live in paitgill how fun also little lewis guy who has a contract wid newcastle little git ill knock him out!!!
• I heard a rumor that Bill Gates was buying a lovley little pad up Raiselands but he pulled out when the asking price was too high!
• Harrison Ford, Maddonna, Keith Richards, Chairman Mow and Timmy Mallet
• Timmy mallets parents
• George Bowman(world class horse and carriage rider).The thong man.Roland Bateman,his sadley departed mother Maggie and faithfull but also departed mut Shandy.
• Lewis Guy, England star
• timmy mallet etc. Thats about as far as this town stretches
• Charlot Barkely
• Timmy Mallet's mum and dad live in Pategill!
• GAS - Grammar Arbitration Squad.This mob generated from QEGS the most famous examples of there authority include a show in Manchester v some Turks, Brussels v OB, Blues v Newton Riggers and soon it will include Cardiff, Munich and Nottingham.
• Hitler was born here. And Stalin. And Keith Chegwin. And Timmy Mallett. What more do you neeed? NAPALM!
• Mel Gibson is rumoured to have bought a £60,000 'pied-a-terre' in the scaws area. Jamie Ayers is rumoured to have a 27-and-a-half-inch penis. And judging by his relaxed stroll I have no reason to doubt him!!
• daisy the cow lives in a field at the back of the house!
• GARY FROM BYKER GROVE!!!!!! He now lives on the edge of town, works at Hard Rock Cafe in OASIS, and spens many a happy hour in the Waverly drinking a pint. There is a bit of a rumour that he is no smack, but i really don't know. He has been spotted going into every chemist in town with a dogdy looking bloke, but im not one to start a rumour!
• JUST TIMMY MALLOT- LIVED ON DROVERS LANE(I MET HIM THREE TIMES- MY CLAIM TO FAME).
• Flash. (Gordon) also known as Flash for his reluctance to stay clothed while pissed.
• Penriths number one dj of style DJ NEMESIS aka niall mitchell (super Tw@t) -purveyoy of happy hardcore and resident dj in some thirteen year olds bedroom Colin Ginster and his mystical pies- if it wasnt for colin Penrith wouldnt be the same in other words fat truckers wont be spotted all over town munching a cheese and onion
• Jason White - of BCF fame.Wears SI,CP,Lacoste,Left Hand - all the designer clobber and never without that mobile phone!
• Timmy Mallet's parents! Oh blessed Lord, thou are kind.
• Jimmy Rich - Look out for his 70's nylon bomber jacket & Aldi carrier bag containing porn mags & tins of pork luncheon meat - usually seen with Roland Bateman
• Charlie hunnam from queer as folk. He likes to come into Safeway with a baseball cap pulled down as a disguise. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE CHARLIE AND WE DON@T CARE!
• Chris Bulman is one of our local heroes, who's 'R' reg,750cc Yamaha chopper can be located by following the thick black oily smog ommitted from it's rattly engine.He,s well known for having the dirtiest chopper in town!!
• DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU. DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU. DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU. DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU.
• Jamie Ayers- This harmless fellow can be found aimlessly roaming the streets of Penrith in search of rock 'n' roll fame. Do not be fooled, however, that Manchester accent conceals a Cumbrian born and bred. Gav Fletcher- This badboy is very, very naughty. Stay away from him, or if you have a go, give him one from me!!
• timmy mallett's parents live(d) here and so did wordsworth
• We have our very own resident DJ JESUS, he works at BLUES and OASIS, But you offten find him dancing away in Toppers, he can do the odd mirical in his spare time. Roland bateman - he walks around in a big long rain coat, talking about socks and lucozade, he is pritty harmless, a good laugh (if you laugh at him) but you may not be able to get away, EVER!!!!
• We have a famous DJ in Penrith he goes by the name of DJ Quickmix.
• Timmy Mallet can often be seen visiting his mother. I once said hello to him, don't judge me i was young.
• The "Monocled Mutineer" shot by an aristocratic pillock with an itchey trigger finger, now buried in an unmarked grave in the Beacon Edge cemetry of the town.
• William Wordsworth Timmy Malletts parents

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Last updated: 2012-03-29