Cringing Cult of Celebrity in Penrith, Cumbria*

Famous residents and ex-residents.

You can tell us more about Penrith.

Cringing Cult of Celebrity

• no one famous has ever ciome or will ever come from penrith. cept seb strangio.
• timmy mallett
• not 1 i can think ov an i lived here all me life
• ROLAND AND TURKS!
• GAV FLETCHER!!!! IZ OUT OF PRISON. MIND UR BACK.
• bald guy in green street whent to ulswater ooh ooh ooh
• TIMMY MALLETT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

• scatman john, whose scatman song was a soundtrack on baseketball, and is a big hit with chavs nowadays, ravin off their faces to the crappiness of skipababadabop.
• the raiselands croft scumbags
• Ben the shlonky dong third leg osborrrrrne
• Roland bateman known for his long coat and shoes curled up like a clown sometimes seen with a dog. Jimmy Carrier bags you will see him with his stick and bags of rubish Mr Bell a fag in his mouth and on his mobile phone standing in a phone box keeping dry
• Timmy Mallet's parents. Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Goering, Hussein, Bin Laden, Pinochet. Maybe. Wouldnt surprise me.
• timmy mallet lives in penrith! on rimmington way near foleys house!
• It has been well documented that both Timmy 'Third Reich' Mallet and Adolf 'Crazy Glasses' Hitler originated in fun-riddled Penrith, but are your readers aware that Penrith served as the birth-womb germination-sac of stuttering, fecalphiliac rock monster Scatman John? After worldwide erotic success with crowd-fucking ear-candy such as 'Scatman's World', 'Clarkey Cat', 'Fill My Open, Wanting Talk-Hole', 'Lick My face', and 'I Am The One and Only (written for Chesney Hawkes)', Scatman John, like so many other young women of his age, disgraced himself by plummeting into a narcotics-fuelled, excrement-eating rage. This led to an extended stay in the expensive Swiss blood-parasite clinic, Meat-Bath House, with a crippling bout of toxoplasmosis, peppered with stomach-tagnuts. It was here that Scatman John met his future wife, Colin Birnie, well known in the Penrith area as part-time headmaster of a local poorly-run secondary lesson-mill, and full-time barn owl. Unfortunately, shortly after the consummation of his marriage, John was killed in a murderous emu's arse-gravy encounter, involving hypodermic needles, and Liverpool. Incidentally, Rod Hull was seen fleeing from Scatman's grotesquely warped fleshy death-corpse, sparking rumours that Hull's TV aerial roof-dive was less than an accident, and was, in fact, self-induced suicide, committed by his own guilt-ridden hand, meant to kill him, and thus end his worthless Scatman-ending life prematurely, in a self-life-ending death-frenzy, designed to rob himself of the gift of living, before his time. Scatman John: 1953 - 1998 R.I.P. 'I want to be a human being, not a human doing. I couldn't keep that pace up if I tried.' - Scatman John 'Ba ba bap bap biddly-boop, bwap bap boo boo boo bah boo.' - Scatman John 'Rod, for God's sake, this stuff is too pure! Take it out!' - Scatman John 'Emu, what have you been eating? This shit's fantastic.' - Scatman John 'There's somebody at the door!' - Rod Hull 'Scatman John was a hero and an Englishman. But he still ate shite.' - H.R.H. The Queen Mother, R.I.P. 'Emu shite - Just Say No.' - Zammo, London (drug-addicted heroin-spliff cake user)

• Shinner Warwick penriths first skinhead and best dancer and first ascent of the musgrave monument new years eve 1968. arrrhhhhh dumph!!!! boot boy ravers live on.what happened to Tombo?
• that copper from coronation street comes from round 'ere
• Loads of rich southies who steal our houses! Bastards....
• PENRITH SAPPHIRES WOMENS FOOTBALL TEAM!!!!!
• timmy malet mum and dad live in paitgill how fun also little lewis guy who has a contract wid newcastle little git ill knock him out!!!
• I heard a rumor that Bill Gates was buying a lovley little pad up Raiselands but he pulled out when the asking price was too high!
• Harrison Ford, Maddonna, Keith Richards, Chairman Mow and Timmy Mallet
• Timmy mallets parents
• George Bowman(world class horse and carriage rider).The thong man.Roland Bateman,his sadley departed mother Maggie and faithfull but also departed mut Shandy.
• Lewis Guy, England star
• timmy mallet etc. Thats about as far as this town stretches
• Charlot Barkely
• Timmy Mallet's mum and dad live in Pategill!
• GAS - Grammar Arbitration Squad.This mob generated from QEGS the most famous examples of there authority include a show in Manchester v some Turks, Brussels v OB, Blues v Newton Riggers and soon it will include Cardiff, Munich and Nottingham.
• Hitler was born here. And Stalin. And Keith Chegwin. And Timmy Mallett. What more do you neeed? NAPALM!
• Mel Gibson is rumoured to have bought a £60,000 'pied-a-terre' in the scaws area. Jamie Ayers is rumoured to have a 27-and-a-half-inch penis. And judging by his relaxed stroll I have no reason to doubt him!!
• daisy the cow lives in a field at the back of the house!
• GARY FROM BYKER GROVE!!!!!! He now lives on the edge of town, works at Hard Rock Cafe in OASIS, and spens many a happy hour in the Waverly drinking a pint. There is a bit of a rumour that he is no smack, but i really don't know. He has been spotted going into every chemist in town with a dogdy looking bloke, but im not one to start a rumour!
• JUST TIMMY MALLOT- LIVED ON DROVERS LANE(I MET HIM THREE TIMES- MY CLAIM TO FAME).
• Flash. (Gordon) also known as Flash for his reluctance to stay clothed while pissed.
• Penriths number one dj of style DJ NEMESIS aka niall mitchell (super Tw@t) -purveyoy of happy hardcore and resident dj in some thirteen year olds bedroom Colin Ginster and his mystical pies- if it wasnt for colin Penrith wouldnt be the same in other words fat truckers wont be spotted all over town munching a cheese and onion
• Jason White - of BCF fame.Wears SI,CP,Lacoste,Left Hand - all the designer clobber and never without that mobile phone!
• Timmy Mallet's parents! Oh blessed Lord, thou are kind.
• Jimmy Rich - Look out for his 70's nylon bomber jacket & Aldi carrier bag containing porn mags & tins of pork luncheon meat - usually seen with Roland Bateman
• Charlie hunnam from queer as folk. He likes to come into Safeway with a baseball cap pulled down as a disguise. WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE CHARLIE AND WE DON@T CARE!
• Chris Bulman is one of our local heroes, who's 'R' reg,750cc Yamaha chopper can be located by following the thick black oily smog ommitted from it's rattly engine.He,s well known for having the dirtiest chopper in town!!
• DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU. DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU. DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU. DJ QUIKMIX WE LOVE YOU.
• Jamie Ayers- This harmless fellow can be found aimlessly roaming the streets of Penrith in search of rock 'n' roll fame. Do not be fooled, however, that Manchester accent conceals a Cumbrian born and bred. Gav Fletcher- This badboy is very, very naughty. Stay away from him, or if you have a go, give him one from me!!
• timmy mallett's parents live(d) here and so did wordsworth
• We have our very own resident DJ JESUS, he works at BLUES and OASIS, But you offten find him dancing away in Toppers, he can do the odd mirical in his spare time. Roland bateman - he walks around in a big long rain coat, talking about socks and lucozade, he is pritty harmless, a good laugh (if you laugh at him) but you may not be able to get away, EVER!!!!
• We have a famous DJ in Penrith he goes by the name of DJ Quickmix.
• Timmy Mallet can often be seen visiting his mother. I once said hello to him, don't judge me i was young.
• The "Monocled Mutineer" shot by an aristocratic pillock with an itchey trigger finger, now buried in an unmarked grave in the Beacon Edge cemetry of the town.
• William Wordsworth Timmy Malletts parents

Parts of this information have been supplied by: stevo clark, PEANUTS, lolly, fit me, SOME1uALLknow!, ANDREW JACKSON, g, willy wanker, Chris, clare, Bish, Kathryn Graham, IAN SHARPE, Pete., Helen W, Joe, rOB tHOMPSON, CFC GAS, Stacey & Darren, two hard penrithians, maz, Satan Worshipper, Jamie Farley, Tren, kev & Boz, England Young, Drum and Bass rock tha house, donshears, Lomax, craig atkinson, Tommi, James proctor, Big John, Boy Racer, Alan Warwick, Nicholas Kelly, andy rigby, gav hope, Mr D, poo, sarah, kim+jono(not to be mistaked for bono), Roland Sausage-Roll, gino, cassie furness, Vickie, NOT TELLIN, Penrith King and Queen, natz, nick, babymizzle, tank, j.d., LESTER, wouldntulike2know, antony vogt, bavid deckham, me, GS, matthew, teri, sd, Sam, dani, John Nicholson, Roland, bill the duck, colin wilcox, tom, PurpleFestaMan, James Scott, sims, ANOTHER PENRITH POTHEAD, Beky Wakefield, aud, dermot kelly, danielle, Liam kirk, m, LCA, Peter Benson, adrian, kenneth, mike roper, sgd, andrew, Simon Atherton, The Freak, bob bobington, pixie, baa baa, GSE, Eddie, southend possy, sharp, gareth & mel, B.O (body odour), Dick Cum, Dan, sheeplover, Ben Taylor, Oliver Jones, keith milne, Ricky G, markchamberlain, Bruce, Jenny Anderson, ucc kicks ass!, dave, andrew lawes, Stu Beedoo, The Dongsters, coco, Laura Titterington, hugh, steve, Mike Hope, becca, Evening All, Le, anna, Daveo, lipgloss gals, gaycumer, i love mark jackson, le norm, Gordan Grimly, Sam/Lena & Kaye, lori, jamie-leigh, Mike H, Helen Atkinson, Presuming Ed, Wine Me, Dine Me, 619 Me, rebecca, david, Jose, Lizzy Jackson, donkey_boy, lita, Twed, shitfuck, Hal, ian emerson, Scully, leanne, Voice, freeda, Bill, Tube, DAN X X, James Farmer, mandy beattie, KG, generic, austin burrell, doshears, olly, sonny askins, Lita Swanson, Jack Mounsey, Mark, mally chung, stacey house has herpes, gladigotout, fiona, Siany W, rob, notasmackhead, stephanie dixon, PIPPY, jodi lewis, I could tell you., Herbert McFish, John, simon.nutter, BRADY, Steven Howe, bob, brucemous, peter lamb