Pubs in Walton On The Naze, Essex*

The place to go for a lazy afternoon, pub quiz or last call

You can tell us more about Walton On The Naze.

• The bathhouse pub, flat smelly beer, walton low life and the smelliest toilets this side of Kabul, always remember if you're gonna marry your cousin make sure you have a three armed jumper!
• The Pier Hotel - what an absolute shithole full of all the Walton low life!! Filthy pub, toilets even worse floors covered in urine, light fittings hanging off the wall. Was once a nice old fahioned family pub with friendly staff. Not a good advert for Walton .
• The Walton Tavern is a very friendly place to go for a drink or three.
• Oh there are lots. Our favourite's the Mariner because it's got a pool table. Nuff said. Sky sports in the one halfway towards the Naze along the seafront. It's nice there too, and kid-friendly.
• some small ones and a queer pub
• I have visited the pub called "John Inmans Face Tick". He owns the pub and regularly visits with his dog Murphy. HE runs a singing contest for all the bar flies each week. BEWARE: Only two songs are allowed to be sung in these contests: Man! I Feel Like A Woman and Help!, because Inman likes punctuation.
• The sanctury bar (see above)
• "The Water Whelk" is owned by real life Lord Christophe Harbert. He pops into his humble establishment every Thursday at noon and winks at the bar flies. His mouth then detaches from his face and skins thew bar, sucking up any spilt liquid through his lips. Hold the beer/backardi/vodka/cream within his mouth he then commands it back to his face and swallows. This is repeated up to seven times and he then walsk out looking smug. One local said "He walks in, pulls his mouth off and the rest is obvious, aint it?". Police are powerless to stop him doing this, but reports of his floating gentials pestering local footballers in the town park are being investigated as we sepak. Now I must go, for if the Nazis find I am gone from my cell, they shall surely rumble our escape plans.
• "£90" is an arseholes pub. To go there you must have been an arsehole for at least six weeks. To become and arse hole you must first be voted in , then sworn in and then run in, then done in, then kicked in then gungadin. Any non arese hole visiting will recieve a punishment involving squid or velvet, but not eyes.

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Last updated: 2008-10-14